Hi everyone,
For those of you who don't recognize me / my name, I have been using this site for several years, and I know some of you (hi!) but have not been on here regularly lately. This site helped me to really understand panic and anxiety and I am so grateful for it.
I do not experience anxiety the same way I did before I found this site. In that sense I would say I am "cured" in that I do not feel overwhelmed by panic or anxiety anymore, even though they still come up from time to time.
I wanted to post here today to share my thoughts on the issue of how CBT works when someone has experienced an abusive childhood. I speak only from my own experience, and part of why I am posting is to welcome thoughts, reactions, suggestions, ideas.. Dialogue breeds insights more often than not especially on this site.
I do realize that for childhood trauma, CBT is not the only tool to use, or even the one directed at anxiety that is rooted in abuse because "complex PTSD" describes what can happen after a traumatic childhood and CBT is usually only one of the tools recommended for that..
For me, anxiety is the main emotion I felt as a child because I lived with a lot of unpredictability which bred anxiety (no surprise that this would happen, humans like predictability and children need it).
Did anyone else, as a child, feel soothed by anxious thoughts?
Anxiety was my comfort as a child. That will sound bizarre to anyone who has not experienced it I think. I thought of something to worry about, and that soothed me. That is what I did as a child, and no one interrupted it. there were no school psychologists in those days, no social workers around me to ask how things were going, and even if there had been anyone with training around me, would I have revealed I was enduring my childhood by resorting to anxious thoughts most of the time? Probably not.
Now I did CBT a few years ago, as an adult, childhood long left behind, and after confronting my anxiety and telling it that it was not the best self soothing strategy anymore, it revealed that there were a lot of things underneath that anxiety - sort of like when you lift up a garden pot and there are all these bugs and slugs underneath you did not see before lifting it. Specifically a lot of sadness and grief.
Anyway, I wanted to share this, hopefully get some responses because I have always cherished the responses I get from people on this site - so kind and helpful everyone is here. If this freaks anyone out, here is my consolation - in working with the feelings underneath the anxiety, I believe I have become more empathetic towards myself and others, more compassionate than I already was, more in touch with the complexity of the human range of experience both happy and sad. Some of the slugs under the garden flower pot are ugly when you really look at them but some of them are intriguing, fascinating, maybe even ones we want to enjoy. If nothing else, they are ours in that they have come into our awareness, and we can learn from them. I hope that ends this post on a hopeful note!
All the best to everyone who reads this,
and for anyone-if this resonated with you, please let me know! :)
loves trees.