[quote] I think if it came down to the wire... you know in your heart you wouldn't smoke. [/quote] MissyFit, you're probably right. And that's the problem! Because the longer I wrestle with this thought of going back to smoking, and then decide not to, the more I want to, but know that I won't. I'm afraid that I'm going to just keep on wanting to go back to smoking, and not just a slip, but really relapse and get it over with, and then come back to quit for good. Stupid? Yes. But if that's what it takes to finally make my final quit, and get me to a point where I don't want to go back to smoking anymore? Absolutely! I feel as though if I run back to my addiction, I will see pretty quickly why I wanted to quit, but this time, it won't be me wanting to quit for 3 weeks to get rid of a cough, it will be me wanting to quit for LIFE! And then I can get back to the quit and not question it again. And if there ever comes a point in my life where I want to go back to smoking again, I can say to myself "did that, and came back to the quit, so this is OBVIOUSLY not what I really want!" Does that make sense? The longer I stay smoke free, the more this stupid desire creeps in my brain every once in a while. I can usually get it out after a few minutes, and then it stays away for a long time, but recently, it takes me longer and longer to get it out and it comes back quicker and quicker. I JUST WANT TO NOT WANT TO SMOKE ANYMORE!!!!! I know this is ridiculous. And it reminds me of about a year ago when I had this same concersation with myself, trying to convince myself to go back to smoking for another month to quit on the 11 year anniversary of the day I quit smoking (which, that day is coming up soon again... Nov. 29th). Anyway, is it possible to get this desire to go away without going back to smoking? Because if it is, then I'm doing something wrong and I need to be trying something different! So help me! What is that "something different" that can help me get this desire to go away??? I'm at my wit's end here! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/28/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 380 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 9,520 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1569.4 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 27 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 19 [B]Seconds:[/B] 11

I guess the biggest problem I'm having is that it's been a year now. Why can't I just be over it? And yes, I know that these times happen, but every week?!?! Sometimes everyday?!?! They do for me! Yes, even this late in the game, I fight with this pretty frequently. And I KNOW that quitting is the way to go! I KNOW that smoking is NOT the way to go. But my head and my heart don't agree right now. If smoking isn't the answer, and I'm running out of patience with staying quit until I'm completely over it, so then what's the answer? MissyFit, you hit the nail on the head when you said that I probably won't smoke... and I feel like the boy who cried wolf. But I do want to be over this. It's been over a year now! I talked to my bf tonight about it and he said that he won't quit if I start smoking again. I know that he WANTS to quit and if I'm smoking, that won't help him with his quit at all. I guess I understand that. I DO want him to quit. So I guess I won't smoke. But again, I feel like I'm keeping my quit for other people. I'm keeping my quit so as to not disapoint all of you on this site. I'm keeping my quit so my bf will quit. I'm keeping my quit for my family. But It's not for ME anymore. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/28/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 380 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 9,521 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1569.4 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 27 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 24 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27

Rusty, you're right. I just don't know that I want to see it right now. Martha, you make some very good points. I do know that the smokers wish they were where I am, but they DON'T know that I wish that I were back where they are a lot of the time. I try to uphold this fa�ade of having it all together and not struggling with my quit and that's a lot of my downfall. "I" know it's a fa�ade, even if nobody else does! Lady, I think you're right about the hanging out with smokers causing me to want to smoke. That IS a huge part of this. But at this point, hanging out with smokers is something that I'm not willing to give up. I won't! I need to find a way to work around that. That's one sacrifice I'm not willing to make at this point. I need some specific things that I can do to get the "love" for my quit back that I used to have. I want that pride and that desire back because it's gone. What can I do to get it back when it's almost completely disapeared? I know in my head that smoking would be the biggest mistake I could possibly make... i just need to put that back in my heart. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/28/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 380 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 9,515 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1569.4 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 27 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 57 [B]Seconds:[/B] 20

If you�re new and/or struggling with your quit, please don�t read this! Stop reading right now! The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me. I have heard before that the one year mark is sometimes a little difficult. I had a day of difficulty about two weeks before I turned a year and thought that that was my one year struggle. HA! That was nothing compared to what I have been going through for the last week! I hate posting about things like this because I feel like it discourages newer members, but after 2 REALLY close calls last night and the night before, I have no other choice than to post. First, if you�re new and didn�t heed my warning up above, please understand that from July to about mid-October, I had very few cravings or smoking thoughts and the quit was extremely easy. Also, please understand that it might not be like this for you, but for me, I�m having a difficult time right now. I need support, so I�m posting about this so that I can figure out what I�m doing and solve this problem that I�m having with my quit. I REALLY hope this doesn�t discourage anybody. OK, now back to what happened. My boyfriend smokes but is seriously considering quitting. He MUST quit before January because he�s starting a new job where he won�t be able to smoke and doesn�t want to start this new job with the stigma of being a smoker. But for now, he�s still smoking, which isn�t making it any easier on me. The last two nights I have nearly caved. Friday night, I actually took a cigarette from my bf, but didn�t light it. Last night, there was a lot of drama going on with some friends/acquaintances and I about said, �f*** it, I�m done!� Again, I took a cigarette, but didn�t light it. I�m afraid that one of these days, I�m not going to just take the cigarette. Honestly, the only thing keeping me from smoking right now is you guys. I don't want to let anyone down. The quit isn't for me anymore... I feel like it's become more for this site than it is for myself and that's a dangerous place to be. We MUST quit for ourselves - we can't quit (or stay quit) for other people and I really don't want to stay quit anymore. I don�t love being quit anymore. it seems to be more of a hassle than it is worth. Guess I�m not �craving the quit� like I us

Danielle, Yes, I have a quit journal with posts that I wrote and also posts from others here on the site. It's about 50 pages long in Word (it's like the energizer bunny, it just keeps growing and growing and growing ;) ). Chicknoodle, I KNEW some newbies wouldn't listen to me! :p Thanks for not listening! Not hanging out with smokers right now would surely mean ending a relationship. Tough choice. I see how hanging out with smokers is destroying my quit and I would like to keep both - the quit and the smokers - but I'm not sure that's possible right now. Honestly, between the two, the smokers are more important to me than the quit. That's why I still need some things to get my love for the quit back. My quit really is in jeapordy here and I'm so torn. I don't know what could possibly make me feel better about my quit. I don't! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/28/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 380 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 9,516 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1569.4 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 27 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 2 [B]Seconds:[/B] 8

Hi Pam, I can relate to how you are seeing things. It doesn't mean it's the right choice though. I am still trying to figure all this out myself, but I think maybe acceptance comes into play. In the meantime, it can leave you with desperating thoughts as you continue wrestling with your reasoning as to what the best "excuse" will be. So much of my life was associated with smoking. I think everything I did had that smoking tag attached, so it's understandable why one can feel so foreign in everything that you do now in trying to feel "normal". Makes you feel like your life-crutch has been hanked out from under you, doesn't it. You know, I could have easily thrown my quit away over this past weekend, but I am also uncomfortable with that descision as well. See, I am torn as well. It scares me to think that after all this time that I have put into this quit, what if that very next cigarette happens to be the one that gets me? What if it's the very one that starts that cancer, or what if it's the one that causes that disease? I want to be around for a very long time. I have a good life now. One that's filled with such an amazing love for my partner in life, my soulmate, and he deserves the best that I can give him. I don't want to be the reason that our lives together became short-changed because I chose to play a game of russian-roulette with it. That's not being fair to our significant other, is it? Life can be hectic or seem unfair at times, and at times all you want to do is go back and cower into our own little old familiar smoking corners of our old life, where you used to feel safer in your old familiar territory. Feels safe, but that's only what you learned to feel; a false sense of security from years of chemicals that gives ZERO benefits. Pam, thank you for your response to my post the other evening. I can tell you are a very bright young lady. This addiction can and will cause alot of irrational thinking, as we have all experienced firsthand. I know what you are feeling and I know the frustration that you feel. You are NOT alone in this fight. Let me know how you are doing, for you are in my thoughts. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 7/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 119 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 957 [B]Amount

I am 46 years old, smoked for 34 years. Had worked my way up to 3 packs a day. I was on top of the world just a few years ago. Could still run and was very active. I am the mother of five (Between 10-24 years) and a cop. Something happened about 8 months ago. I became out of breath going up a flight of stairs. I could (and it was sudden) no longer run. A trip from my front door to the mailbox was painful. Went to the Dr's. COPD. Quit smoking or die... My husband (also a cop) and I decided to quit together. He has been smoke free almost 6 months...I am still struggling. but I think I'm getting it.... Don't know how old you are, but my guess is you are younger and smarter............. You are quit---STAY THAT WAY! :) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 9/8/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 65 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 3,296 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $520 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 6 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 47 [B]Seconds:[/B] 54

Glad to see/hear that you are still smoke free BFS. Fondly, Free [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/12/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 190 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,720 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $760 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 16 [B]Hrs:[/B] 0 [B]Mins:[/B] 58 [B]Seconds:[/B] 29

BFS, There may be no easy fix. Perhaps distracting yourself from the quit for a few hours would help? Keep us posted. Danielle _______________________ The SSC Support Team

BFS, Have you given any thought to putting together a quit journal. Fill it with all of your posts about your quit. Make a list of the rewards and benefits you've gotten from smoking. You can also include posts from other members that inspire you. This may help you see in clear black & white what you've overcome to get where you are today. You said you didn't quit for yourself but it was you that made the conscious decision to stay quit everyday for a year and half. If smoking is what bonded you to others before, it's now time to force yourself to learn how to bond with people in a new and healthier way. This is just a new learning experience, yes it's frustrating but just like everything else, you can achieve it! Hope this helps. Danielle ________________________ The SSC Support Team