I quit smoking in 2003, and started again in about January of 2005. There are lots of excuses I could make for myself, but we all know that excuses are what they would be. And now, here I am again, with just over three weeks smoke-free.
I'd like to save a letter to myself here, in case I get back to that same point, where I start to think I can have just one, or that I can just smoke on the weekends.
Dear Me,
You are an addict. The drug you're addicted to is a legal one, so being a former smoker isn't going to be the same, socially, as being a former heroin addict. Having smoked isn't likely to cost you a potential job or keep people from trusting you. On the other hand, it's going to be much easier for you to start again. You don't have to find a dealer. You can just pick up a pack when you fill the car up with gas. Temptation is always going to be there, and it's up to you to avoid it or resist it.
Don't, do not, DO NOT believe that voice in your head that tells you that you aren't really an addict, or that you're an addict in a way that's different from addicts who use illegal drugs. It's the same voice that told you that other people could quit, but only because they didn't like smoking as much as you did. You've proven that voice wrong once, by quitting (despite how much you like smoking). You already know that the voice lies.
The thing is, you ARE an addict. You've opened your eyes, you've faced this fact. It's an unfortunate thing to have found out, but it's true. You can be an addict who smokes or you can be an addict who doesn't, but not being an addict is an impossibility. It's not one of your options.
This means that you won't have just one, you won't limit yourself to smoking when you drink, you won't be able just to lay them down again in a week or so. You'll have to get back to feeling bad all the time before you'll consider quitting again. You can't control your need for nicotine. It will control you. You'll be right back out there, standing in the rain in twenty-degree weather, hating yourself and smoking.
Being an addict can, though, become a morally-neutral thing, like having A-positive blood. It can become just something that you accept about yourself and manage to your benefit. It doesn't have to