Kiwi,, that's just it. I've been doing all the 'right' things - i.e. 'me time' etc and it's just not enough. I've been living this life for over 4 yrs with each year getting more worse than the year before. It's not hubby's fault that he is so ill.. it's all just too much for me to handle. No help.. government cut backs,, but mostly it's the day to day toll it is taking on me and it has just reached a point where there is nothing left of me to give. It's only 5:50 a.m. here but I'm going out for a walk. I've walked many miles over the past two days.. I'm just a my wits end and feeling like giving up.. I just don't see the point of this kind of life any more. (no not suicidal).. I'm just very down and extremely sad.... M. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 73 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,464 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $657 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 8 [B]Hrs:[/B] 5 [B]Mins:[/B] 35 [B]Seconds:[/B] 53

Monica, sounds like you need some me time not a ciggie. Either way post away... we're listening [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/1/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 814 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 20,355 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $5291 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 117 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 41 [B]Seconds:[/B] 10

I've pushed myself.. I've done my very best through all the adversities.. I've cried all weekend searching for ideas and solutions.. It's just all too much.. It's all too damned hard. It's not hubby fault that he's so ill - it's just too much for me to handle and I can't deal with it any longer. There's nothing left for me to give so I'm just on the verge of giving in and giving up. Tried IM 10 mins ago .. sent a lengthy message and my buddy disappeared :( Don't know .. maybe .. maybe what? I'm at the end of my rope and I can smell the that 1st light up of a cig so clearly... and I just don't know if I can struggle with the quit PLUS all that surrounds me. Thank you to everyone who believed and supported me. Monica [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 73 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,464 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $657 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 8 [B]Hrs:[/B] 5 [B]Mins:[/B] 32 [B]Seconds:[/B] 10

Thank you Danielle.. I'm holding on as best I can... the fine line is growing thinner though..but as I just told Loulou I'll be ok. Goodnight.. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 78 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,574 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $702 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 8 [B]Hrs:[/B] 20 [B]Mins:[/B] 26 [B]Seconds:[/B] 57

Monica, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. You may not have liked your breakdown in the car but maybe you needed it. You had to let it out. I'm glad to hear your doing a little better this weekend and yes that's wonderful! You really are doing beautifully adjusting to the changes in your life and we couldn't be prouder to see you continuing to persevere in your quit. Just keep doing what you're doing. Keep taking time for yourself, taking care of yourself and calling on friends when you need to. Keep going. You're doing great even if it always doesn't feel that way. Danielle ______________________ The SSC Support Team

Hi Tutti, I have practiced all that you suggested about recharging my batteries, making me time etc etc and in my environment it's not a reality most of the time. It's gone way past anything I could ever really explain here.. far too much information and most of which I would never divuldge because it's very personal... I did however finally get out with my closest friend yesterday for a belated b'day lunch and then afterwards went to Tim Horton's for a treat and coffee. I could feel all at once the urge/craving to have a cig and my anxieties rising and BANG I just fell apart. I was so relieved that this all happened in her car. I cried and cried for almost an hour rambling on incoherently about my life - lack of - realizing that all that I've been working at to make things better/easier, solutions etc were just falling apart around me. My friend held me the whole time consoling me and reminding me that I'm a strong person and that there is something waiting at the end of all this.. a huge reward. I don't see that reward .. I don't know if I ever will. I've done all the 'right' things.. Each night before I go to sleep I tell myself that tomorrow will be better with hubby's stuff, with my quit, with -------- everything. And then tomorrow comes and it's pretty much the same old same old. I did enjoy my lunch with my friend and that's a huge plus :) Falling apart hit me like a ton of bricks - just didn't see that coming at all. I'm hanging on .. better than last weekend... so that's good right? I planned in advance all my cooking, housework, laundry etc so that I can devote as much time to me as possible in between hearing "Monica I need you" I know in time things will change in some shape or another, it's the here and now that's just so hard and quite frankly I'm so very tired. Well I'm going to make another cup of decaf.. look at this beautiful sunrise, then get dressed and head out for a walk. Thanks again all my good friends.. and a very special thank you to my new best friend Loulou for allowing me to vent in email. Can never have too many friends.. and she's been priceless! Love and hugs all and enjoy your weekend! Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 78 [B]Cigarettes

Heya Monica, I'm so sorry that I'm so late seeing this thread. I've been taking care of my mom and haven't had a lot of "me" time. But please, count my shoulder in too. Okay? There's one thing I've learned and I know it's hard but YOU have to set some ground rules if you are the "soul caregiver." I know I've been the soul caregiver for both of my aging parents for almost 9 years now. I lost Dad 7 years ago and now take care of my Mom. I started taking care of my folks all while my own kids were still at home and now they've all moved out and are on their own. I have also had my own health problems, like diabetes, for a few years now. It really does get to where you have all kinds of crap falling off of your plate, huh? :( But getting back to those ground rules.....Girl, you have to make it very clear that this amount of set time is just for you. It's hard, I know. I have learned that the more you do for the person who is ill, the more they expect you to do and at a given time. They don't mean to be that way. They just think that YOU won't play out, get tired, feel depressed, etc. You have to make it clear that you need your breaks...your time so that you can recharge your batteries. Does that make sense? If you don't make that clear, you'll become so overwhelmed that you won't know whether to wind your butt or scratch your watch. Please post today and let us know how you're doing. You can't let yourself get physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted as a caregiver. Set aside that time for yourself and stick to it. During that time, really pamper yourself and vent all that you need to. Hugs, Tutti [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/18/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 40 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,817 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $143.6 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 37 [B]Seconds:[/B] 16

[color=Red]Oh my goodness! I'm more speechless than before..and feeling sooo extra sensitive these days that with the responses to my plea for help has left me crying .. All good tears.. but I've totally broken down at the love, comfort and support you have given me. Dutch I wish I could invite all of you to my home and just have coffee and chat. You've all been right there for me and I just want to extend a HUGE THANK YOU to all of you :) I'm getting hubby ready for rehab and then I'm out for a long walk! Have a great day my friends.. ((((((((hugs)))))))) Monica[/color] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 76 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,526 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $684 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 8 [B]Hrs:[/B] 13 [B]Mins:[/B] 53 [B]Seconds:[/B] 47

Dear Monica, I'm sorry I haven't seen this before. I really admire you Monica for the way you handle all the difficulties that go on in your life right now. I wished I live closer, then I would come over and help you a little, but that's not the case. Please try to see the sunny side of life although I know that is hard for you right now. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know ok? In the mean time I'll think of you and tell God that you need help. I have his phonenumber you know. Stay strong gf and don't smoke. You're to smart to do that. (((( HUG )))) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 4/1/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 362 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 10,863 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] �1067.9 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 50 [B]Hrs:[/B] 9 [B]Mins:[/B] 5 [B]Seconds:[/B] 46

Monica, We are so happy to hear you are starting to feel better. Never be afraid to reach out, we will always be here to support you. Danielle ________________________ The SSC Support Team