msreader:
My heart goes out to you as you work through this addiction. Please do not allow my little visits to my personal shadow lands discourage you from continuing on toward cessation. I can tell you now, with hand on heart, even when I am feeling most despondent, I do not think of smoking at all. That dragon no longer has any fire that I fear. After two years quit, I am never going down that road again. So please do not get the impression that even after such an extended quit there is still that vicious craving that will cause me to run to the store for a pack. There is none of that in me and eventually, as time goes by. there will be no such needs in you either. But right now you are deeply engaged in the process of quitting and I understand how difficult it is.
You are doing exactly the same thing that I did. You are examining the reasons that you smoke. That can be very difficult at first, because in doing so you are shining a light on areas within you that have perhaps not been visited in a long, long time. For me, there are bits and pieces of my good self that have perhaps remained in a self imposed state of suspended animation. Alcohol and cigarettes can be used to keep that frozen state going. As one of those areas begins to unthaw a bit and enters the conscious mind, I would automatically lower the temperature again by polluting my body with either one or both of these substances. And as you are well aware, the cycle begins once again.
I have chosen to break that cycle and literally become unafraid of those former frozen zones. It takes practice. But eventually you do begin to understand that you do not need to temper your anxiety with harmful substances. After all what we are doing when we do this is killing the body in an attempt to not experience the soul. Where is the logic in that? There is none, we are too complex and beautiful to impose such a harsh penalty on ourselves. Never forget that an addict is both the jailer and the prisoner. We must find the courage to ask ourselves for the key.
Here is a bit I wrote when I was deeply in the grasp of the addiction. Maybe you can catch a bit of yourself in the verses....
I Set My Mind Against The Tide
I set my mind against the tide,
as a sailor sets a sail
straight into a westward wind,
that soon became a gale.
The harbor lights were far behind,
when the sky bled blue to gray.
The chop was fine and coming fast
and my boat began to sway.
Broadside and true she took each wave
and fell to meet the next.
The troughs were deep the angles steep
my thoughts were dark and vexed.
And in that hour the taunting came,
from deep within the storm.
Derision scorn and vile blame
took endless ghostly form.
Loathing lingered on the deck
as doubt engulfed the mast.
And from the east, a tiny speck
flew toward me from the past.
Larger loomed this bird of prey
in silence loud and clear.
With stealth and guile it ruled the day
for this was cold dark fear.
Fear stretched out a deadly claw
and danced with doubt and scorn
around the sail I’d bravely set
they mocked the oath I’d sworn.
The bitter wind grew stronger still
as hopelessness appeared
and played a mournful melody
for doubt and scorn and fear.
“Come join the dance” the storm intoned
I know you know the steps.
“I’ll bring you peace” the wind exclaimed
“with one more cigarette.”
But just between the flash and fade
the lightning wind and storm
were all inventions I had made
while I was busy being born.
For I have lost a lover
who would kill me where I stand
but found a better friend in me
cause I know who I am.
I set my mind against the tide
as a sailor sets a sail…
I set my mind against the tide
As a sailor sets a sail…..
I do hope that you will continue on your way...Getting cigarettes out of your life is a worthy goal, and even if things are screwed up, at least you will have rid yourself of one more thing that can really blow the gig...
Stay Well
nonic
My Milage:My Quit Date: 12/25/2006
Smoke-Free Days: 750
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 22,500
Amount Saved: $7,875.00
Life Gained:Days: 143
Hrs: 6
Mins: 14
Seconds: 38
