LOLLY! I logged in last night looking for you and Miss Marple. I have been struggling on and off with smoking - currently OFF as I have become unwell and due to go to the Doctor on Monday to arrnage further tests. My son recommended that I visit the SSC again for some help as he could see how terribly low and frightened I have become. I had not logged on since January and by the time I came off the SSC last night I was in tears - I am so utterly devestated by MM's illness, she is my buddy and I have thought of her often over the months ... I never for one moment even considered that it would be such awful news (I have been guilty of living the ostrich life ... head in the sand ... until something comes along and kick you in the arse!) I spent sometime tracking MM story and was filled with fear, sadness and admiration (she is a helluva lady!) but I also had a further insight into your own illness, much of which I did not know prior to last night. I find myself in a bit of a dilemma - I am worried that the Doctors will diagnose something awful and I have become very, very depressed (this is not my usual outlook on life!) but on the other hand - I am also think, maybe I will be lucky this time - but it's probably in the post for me down the line. I keep looking and my children, who are still young and I wish that I could turn back the clock. I feel so worried that they may have to grow up without me and I am so frightened for them. My son told me that he was looking up lung cancer on the internet ... and I was so sad that I have reduced my children to having to seriously contemplate the thought of their mother dying. Some people ... smoke for years ... then stop ... and go on to live long relatively healthy lives ... are these people a rarity??? or do all ex smokers have to live their lives with the grim reaper constantly lurking in the shadows?? Sorry to be an utterly depressing soul - but I just cannot muster up the 'old me' ... I seem to have run out of any sense of positivity. I am awaiting confimation of membership at the SSC on FB and hopefully some familiar faces will be there. It was good to see you still posting and i will try to keep a little more up to date with things. Take care Lolly xx
