Dear wilchild69,
I detect the panic, anxiety and desperation in your words. Please do not give up your quit, but rather take a breather for just a moment and remind yourself why you are putting yourself through this pain. Can you remember anything good from the time you quit before? Maybe feeling physically better, smelling better...there must have been something good.
By the way, I can relate to your smoking history...I smoked for 40 years, tried to quit often, and finally quit over 8 years ago. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I did it and now cannot believe I wasted so much of my life. One of the things which helped me was this site...I have not found many of your posts up to now, and I check in most days. You are NOT alone. So many people on this site will relate to the problems you are having, but you need to come in here and tell us...do it often... and do not hide away feeling alone and confused. Just one person may be able to help you, but not unless we know about your experiences. I was on here morning, noon and night when I was quitting.
It seems to me that your addiction is trying desperately to make you give up! Call it the Nicodemon or whatever, but it is always around the corner and will put obstacles in your path, or thoughts into your mind, or sit on your shoulder whispering in your ear. You are allowing all these negative ideas to reach your mind and to persuade you to just give up the whole idea. I know how hard it is to keep positive thoughts going when you are hurting so much, but, unfortunately, it's those positive thoughts, positive mental attitude and determination which will fight the Nicodemon better than you can on your own.
It is a true battle you are fighting, and you need to try to get help any way you can. I see you have tried some ways. It may surprise you to see how powerful positive thoughts can be. They are part of your armour in fighting the psycholgical barriers we meet when quitting. They fight all our excuses, and all the Nicodemon's excuses as to why you should give up on your quit. It is important that you do not focus on what you have always done, that is now in the past, but do some work to find ways around the negativity.
You said you are on day 52 cold turkey. In that case, the nicotine is out of your system, and now you move on to fighting the old habits, which you said you have done. Now the last battle...the psychological one! You seem to have tried so many ways round your problems, but they are not working, can you think why this is?!
Knowledge is power, so do some work on this site and access as much as you can to help you. Post and talk to us often. Have you done the programme on this site? Know that most quitters have been where you are right now, and we empathise with you, but no one who has quit will say, 'Poor you, just give up your quit!' We will try our best to help and to give you reasons to keep going. No one will think you are taking your quit lightly, but we want to give you ideas to help.
Take a bit of time, work on the site and try to keep a positive attitude. Think about how you can prevent the Nicodemon getting into your brain, psyche or whatever.... and stay with us here as much as you can.
Never Look Back! The Future is Ahead! & Whatever it takes, just don't smoke!
Love Lolly.
