You have got the winter blues badly...But you are being honest with yourself and that is a very good thing. This is a tough fight. It is a personal struggle and each of us takes it on in our own way and time. Please do not defeat yourself by being unduly hard on yourself. Addiction is not a walk in the park, neither is life. But in life we can choose to take a walk in the park sometimes. Take a walk in the park now and be proud of the progress that you have made.
You are dealing with some really tough stuff, but I can see that you are making progress. And I think that you are grateful for the progress you have made. Gratitude is always a wonderful experience. It is, for me, one of the things that gets me from here to there. If, in the worst of times, we can find one thing for which to be grateful we can always go for a walk in the park...
My original quit date was April 30 2012 the day I want into the hospital for major kidney surgery. That is the day I started my road to recovery from cigarettes and nicotine. It will be two years this coming April 30 since I started this journey and yes I have had three setbacks this last year. I have decided in all fairness to set my quit meter ahead to May 14 2012 to reflect the days I lost to these relapses. Yes I relapsed but the benefit that I received from almost two years smoke free has not been lost. My heart and lungs thank me tell me this every day. I can walk down a road or up a hill now and breath with ease which is something I never could do while smoking or using nicotine. I was diagnosed with diabetes and cardio vascular disease this last year and have been working hard on my diet and exercise to slow down the progression of these conditions. I am starting a diabetes medication today this is my second attempt at taking it. So as you can see smoking can not be in the picture for me if I want to continue to have a chance at a happy and healthy life..Yes this does sometimes feel like a new quit emotionally but my Heart and Lungs tell me different..So I am going to follow my heart and do my best to continue where I left off and concentrate on staying the course and staying quit.
I'm so sorry to see you here, but, you have turned around and decided to fight back! Good for you! Do not be too hard on yourself, but, at the same time, be really determined not to allow a single thing to distract you from your quitting goal!
You said - "So this morning I am paying attention to my feeling and needs. I will acknowledge and feel my emotions. I will eat if hungry. I will rest when when tired. I make sure I get enough sleep and I will not smoke to cover up or deal with my feeling anymore..It is my resolve to be mindful of HALT always."
Whatever it takes to help you - think on it, or do it. You do not want another repeat performance, as it drags you down to fail....Instead be tough on the Nicodemon (or your addiction) and refuse to allow him to take you down to his level.