hello! it's 10:45 pm Friday, I seem to always catch you when you are signed in a night. Hope your doing well! Enjoy your weekend :)

Hi allison, i read your comment about pain after a massage and just came back from a very intense, deep-tissue massage. I am so sore! But, she told me this would happen and that 's it's perfectly normal, because when you are very tensed up, muscles react to the stimulation in this way. It activates them to get rid of the accumulated lactic acid (which causes pain) to allow them to relax afterwards. A few regular sessions should get rid of this effect. When you wait too long before you go, you accumulate lots of lactic acid and tension in your muscles, which them makes it tougher after.

I know what you mean about trying to be/feel healthy, its like no matter what you do there this underlying fear that you wont be okay. For me this as turned into a little bit a health nut obsession. I read way to many health books and am now paranoid from everything from Teflon pans to aspartame to cleaning products. Its like Ive got this addictive personality but not to drugs, alcohol or gambling but to disease. I went for an hour and half massage last night- she really did a number on my neck, now I have this tension headache which is really getting to me. Dont you just love how you set how to do something relaxing and it turns out to cause more stress than it was worth?! Im really glad the kids are back to school, my son gone all day and my daughter goes to Nursery school for a 2.5 hours 3 times a week so its really nice to have a routine and time to myself. They are much happier at school as well to be with friends and to be busy. So what have you been able to do to help your mom? I thought you had really thoughtful, encouraging, considerate responses to your post regarding your mother. After I read the others compared to mine I wanted to apologize if it a little harsh/brash. Other people seem to be so much better a being sweet! Well, I am really enjoying these last warm days. Take care :) I am going to look into the CBT buddies this weekend!

Hi Alison. I'm feeling a bit better. Sad that summer is coming to an end though! The exposure work I've been doing is basically designed to reverse some of the patterns of avoidance I got myself into because of the panic attacks, so I've been driving more - it only bothers me to drive longer distances so I've been driving across the city to go out with friends in different neighbourhoods, and I'll have to drive a fair bit to get to my CBT group. I've been going to the store by myself which had become difficult a while ago because I got panicky in line and preferred to have my husband do the paying, and I've been to the gym 3 times a week for over a month now and attend Weight Watchers meetings. So far I've lost about 7% of my starting weight, so I'm fairly pleased with how things are going. It's just so frustrating that no matter what I do I still don't feel like a healthy p,erson you know? I just wish I could let go of all the health fears and live like a healthy person with a healthy life. I have been able to get some help with my mom without having to do anything against her will, so I'm hoping we will be able to avoid a big confrontation. I am so grateful for all the kind words and reassuring advice I've gotten from the other post about my mom. I'll be posting an update to the situation as soon as I get time. Alex is back to school tomorrow - today was so hectic, last minute school supplies, meet the teacher night, followed immediately by a soccer game! The lazy days of summer are definitely gone till next year! I tried to get the CBT buddies working but keep getting technical difficulties - I'll have to have my husband try it and if that doesn't work, I'll ask the support workers on the site for more instructions. Caitlin

Hello Caitlin! Good to hear from you again! I got through my bad time last week. It seems like just when you taste some victory you are stricken down. My reprieve came when I had taken my son to the allergist (who was also my allergist as a child), one of my most trusted and favorite doctors ( that alone is a disturbing statement isnt it) and I could NOT resist asking him to check my glands in my neck (which I thought were swollen but apparently were not!) So humiliating! Regarding my equally humiliating mole situation, I chilled out when I took my son to a top dermatologist about a mole that the same family doctor was concerned about for myself. He said his moles are of no concern and since my family doctor is over 55 she isnt aware of the new standard in mole removal. So this makes me feel better about what I thought was an overreaction to something she never even looked at. I am still getting a physical in October where it will be checked again by another family doctor (the one who said it was fine and well keep an eye on it). Anyways enough about my embarrassing trials and tribulations, what kind of exposure work have you been doing? By the way, congratulations on beginning the CBT program, you are taking an important step, you should be proud of yourself. You are very active in your recovery, and thats the only way you recover! As far as working goes, I have always subbed over the years but its only been a couple of private Christian school where I know everybody and everybody knows me. Its always very safe. But I need to get into the public school divisions were I can work more often. How is your cold? Ive heard of quite of few people lately sick with colds, its that time of year it seems. I hope you are feeling better. How are you coping with your mom these days? Have you come to any conclusion to what to do? I wish you all the best! Feel better :)

Hey Alison! I hope you had a relaxing and rejuevenating stay at the lake! We spent yesterday at the beach, and then had a whopper of a storm here last night, shattered windows and signs around all the businesses in our neighbourhood (South St Vital), and uprooted a lot of very large trees. Of course, my little 2 year old who is the lightest sleeper on the planet and wakes up if we so much as flick a light switch within 4 meters of his door, slept thru the whole thing!! While I of course was up monitoring the situation for possible tornadoes! We have got to get the CBT Buddies thing going - have you gotten it to work yet? I have a terrible cold right now (either that or I've gotten Anthrax from my garden soil... I know, how ridiculous is that!! But it's been worrying me ever since I got the sniffles and have been hearing about the Anthrax outbreak here in Manitoba... of course it doesn't matter that the odds are like 1 in 20 gazillion, it still worries me!!). Anyhow, I'm so sick right now I will likely stay home from work tomorrow, so maybe we'll catch each other on line sometime during the day. Caitlin

Hi Caitlin! It's Monday at 9:53, I see that you are logged in right now! I wish I could chat with you. Thanks for you last response, I just got back from the lake and want to take some time writing you back.

Hi Alison, sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've only had time to read the posts but not to respond, things have been so hectic lately. My mom has gotten much worse, she is fully delusional now (imagining conversations that never happened with people who don't exist) and refusing treatment and demanding money and time and help from me, but won't actually let me do anything that really helps, she just wants me to fix everything for her and I can't, I can't make her well. It is extremely stressful for me, and obviously causes my anxiety levels to skyrocket. But, I am coping ok. I haven't had a panic attack for about 3 weeks now, I have come close but have been able to talk myself out of them. I've also been doing my exposures and miraculously have managed to talk myself out of every illness before I start obsessing about them. I still have a few things I want to see the doctor about just to ease my mind, including some moles, which reminds me - what ever happened with that mole you had and the possible biopsy? Is everything ok? I've been reading your posts and see that you are in a difficult period right now - it will pass though - just try not to be too hard on yourself and focus on the positive (so easy to say!!). I really wanted to respond to a few of your issues but just couldn't get the chunk of time necessary to do so. I really REALLY related to your post about guilt and your mother. I know it's too late now, but to answer your question in that post: I would feel guilty - but I would know full well that I shouldn't. THat's always my predicament - I know it's not right or fair that my mother makes me feel bad - but I feel bad nonetheless. Still, I think taking your own vacation and not caving into her guilt trip is definitely the right choice. I just SOOOOO wish that I could have a mom who was a MOM - someone I could confide in and lean on and rely on for support, someone who actually wanted what was best for me, not what was best for me as long as it was good for her too. I read a novel recently where the main character said "the weight of my mother's life is too great for me to bear". That is where I am at right now. But, I'm hoping things will get better soon and that I will be able to find help for her. I start my CBT program with AD

Hello Caitlin! Just wondering how you are and if you are around these days?

I have subbed quite a bit but it makes things pretty hectic when you don't know when and where you going at last minute notice. I taught kindergarten till I had our second child and have been home since 2001. What is your degree in? I have often question what was the point of university if I not going to use it. Bu then I question what was the point of having children. I think the happy medium is part time. You don't go crazy at home and you don't go crazy at work. I will be looking for work once my daughter goes to kindergarten. Mostly it would be out of fear because I don't trust myself to have active productive days. I can easily sink into the depressed, worry, looking up diseases mode. Children keep you going at home. You have to clean up, make lunch, go outside, etc. By myself, at home for long periods= not a good combination! :blush: Well could it be any hotter here!?! Take care Caitlin! p.s. Have you read any good books on health anxiety? I have a list of books that have really enlightened me in some areas. Let me know if your interested (they are all at the library).