EvolutionHealth.care

Start
Hovedforum
Styr på drikkeriet
General Health and Wellbeing
I need to make a big decision

Advanced Search Form

I need to make a big decision

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 616

Thank you jojo64, and I hope you're right Bout my daughter. I don't want her to resent me for breaking up her family, we are so close, I couldn't imagine her losing respect for me. She is 9 years old and very much a mommys girl. I'm going to stay positive and hope that she will be understanding.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 100

Wishing you luck Camiol and that your in-laws are able to take your daughter this weekend. I'm not sure your daughter's age but she sounds very young. Even if your daughter has a difficult time dealing with the (possible) new situation right off the bat... she will probably respect you so much in the long run for making a choice that was best for all of you and you are modelling really positive skills to her by addressing this right now. Best of luck.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

I encourage you to look into finding a good family counselor. They can help you sort through your feelings and if/when nessesary help with the transition.

In regards to what to say, what do you want to say from the heart? Start there.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 616

I have no idea how I'm going to start the conversation Ashley, it's going to be very difficult. I know it has to be done and we need to talk very soon. I wish things could be different, I hate that I am ending something that I committed my life to, but life is too short to be unhappy for a large portion of it.

I hope my daughter won't hate me, or rebel when her family unit is divided. I want to make sure she still feels secure and safe. She is my priority and I want her to be ok.

Thank you for offering your support, I'm sure I will be leaning on you and others once I have the talk with my husband.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

Camiol,

It sounds like you have thought long and hard about this. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you to come to this conclusion and then put a voice to it. Good for you for having the strength to admit this to yourself. Some people spend a life time in a relationship they don't want to be in and that hard for everyone, including the children.

I hope you get to talk to him soon. You daughter is very lucky to have a strong and caring mom like you.

How do you plan on getting the conversation started?

Will be right here for you whenever you need us, through the entire thing.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 616

Thank you jojo64....the support of the AHC members is very important to me. I just had a chat with my mother in law and found out that they won't be taking my daughter this weekend. They take her for her swim lessons and I thought they start this Friday but it's not until next Friday and they can't take her for her lesson next Friday because they have to go to a wedding. I may have to wait 3 more weeks! I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm going to ask my in laws to take her this Friday and hopefully they won't have any plans....they normally will take her anytime they have the chance, she is their only grandchild. Wish me luck.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 100

Hi Camiol,

I've been keeping up with reading the threads, especially about your situation. I can't really be of much help in terms of "advice" or what have you. I don't have the life experience and wisdom that you do and I have never been married but I do want to let you know that I'm thinking about you as you make this decision, as I'm sure so many AHC members are. We are here for you and wishing you the absolute best in your conversation with your husband.

Jojo

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 616

I absolutely agree that I would need to trust him and forgive him in order to start to rebuild a relationship but to be honest I'm not sure I even want this relationship to reconcile. There's been too much distance for too long. He is a great guy, very attractive and I know he loves me, but that's just not enough anymore. I have tried in the past to come up with ways to maybe get our relationship back on track, but I just don't bother trying the ideas I think of. I think the damage is probably done and that we both will be better off living separately. I guess I can't really say its definitely done now that I've agreed to talk to him before I make a final decision, but in my heart I feel it's over right now.

It's a difficult decision and it's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion that my marriage is probably over, but I can walk away saying I gave it a shot. I stayed when I found out he was an addict, even though I wanted to leave and never look back. I gave him 8 years to try to make changes in himself but nothing changed....I'm not even sure he is a recovered addict, I suspect he is using again. I don't want to live my life always wondering if my husband is a hard core drug addict, and always being untrusting. I'm certainly not innocent in this by any means. I've become an alcoholic, I really didn't make an effort to repair our relationship, and I never tried to initiate a conversation with him about trying to get things back on track. I definitely have my faults in this marriage, we both made a huge mistake by closing the lines of communication.

As I'm reading what I've written, it brings tears to my eyes because I swore that when I got married it would be forever, and now it doesn't appear that it is. What makes me more sad is that I'll have to tell my daughter that we are going to live separate from her dad and it is going to break her heart, and that in turn breaks my heart. I think that telling him I want to separate will also devastate him, even though maybe in his heart he feels this isn't a good marriage.....I could be wrong, he may think things are fine.....now that would surprise the heck out of me.

I'm really hoping we can have a heart to heart this Friday. I just need to figure out how to get the conversation started.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Camiol,

Don't feel bad about what happened. It is easy to drift apart when you have children, work and every other stress piled on top. The point is you are recognizing there is a problem and you are actively trying to find a solution. I truly believe no relationship can work without communication so it is not a surprise that you feel the relationship is over. Of course you would feel that way! You haven't really had a relationship with him for 8 years. No wonder you want to leave!

I want to stress that it is really special that after 20 years together and 8 years not talking you still feel that you are great friends and you care deeply for him. This is rare in any marriage let alone a marriage that has had some very difficult times. I am not saying this to convince you to stay with him. Only you know what is right for you.

It sounds like you have lost your trust and even your adoration for him once you found out about the drug problem. It sounds like it coloured the way you saw him. It also sounds like it made the both of you shut down. You because you no longer trusted him and maybe you lost faith in the relationship. For him, maybe he lost faith in himself, maybe he was scared to open up as he didn't like the things he had to say if he did open up. No one choses to be an addict and when it does occur there is normally tons of self hate and guilt. From what I have read he sounds like a very strong man. For him to be a good provider and father despite a possible addiction - that is no easy feat. And you Camiol, you are clearly a very strong woman. You have been going through so much lately and you are still fighting. You are making some really tough choices despite everything. It has been inspiring to watch your journey. So, if both of you were to join forces, with the right skills, it could be really special. Or it also could be best you go your separate ways. Again, only you can make that choice and I really don't want you to think I am leaning in any direction.

If you do decide to work on it for this relationship to move forward you will have to openly talk about how you feel and do it often. Tell him how angry you were and are. Hear what he has to say about what he went through. You two will probably have to talk about it often before any headway would occur. Seeking help from a marriage counsellor could be beneficial. To must haves in the relationship is he will need to be addiction free and you will need to be able to eventually forgive and trust him. It's a tall order but it can be done if you both want to put in the hard work. Now I am getting ahead of myself...

What do you think?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 616

HimAshley...your parents are very wise people and they give good advice. Marriage does take a lot of work, somewhere along the way we stopped working at it and just let the whole thing fall apart. We are great friends, we care deeply for each other but there is no "real" relationship anymore.

I was going to sit him down this coming weekend and just end it, but after reading your suggestion, I think I will talk to him about it first, rather than throw "I want out of this marriage" at him and basically blindside him with it. At this point yes my mind is pretty much made up that I don't want to be with him anymore, but I also think I need to hear him out and how he feels. I'm not going to ask him to leave right away because I want a transition period for our daughter. This will devastate her. Having pretty much made up my mind about ending things....I just invited his family and my family here for Thanksgiving dinner. So I'm not in a hurry to have the split happen, but I don't think I can stay in this situation much longer. If we do end up deciding that the marriage is over, I'd like us to be able to move on with our lives as soon as possible without causing too much upset to my daughter.

I feel bad that after 20 years together and 11 years married that we couldn't make it work. I thought we were forever when we were planning our wedding. Sadly he had a drug addiction and everything fell apart. Nothing has been the same since he revealed it to me. Communication, intimacy, trust, all aspects of our relationship drifted away and we never tried to get it back.

Log ind for at svare Registrer ny konto

Læser dennne tråd:

Dagens vigtigste diskussioner

Denne måneds Førende:

Mest Hjælpsomme

Mest Aktive

Fik flest Hjerter

I need to make a big decision