Today I manged to take care of some administrative business and also I spoke to my boss. She said I could finish up my contract in September and I should take time to grive and get better for now. She is great. Who wouldn't want a boss like her?
Today was rough in parts but a bit better in others. On top of everything else the wooden base of my futon which I had propped up while cleaning up fell on my head. The barrette that was in my hair actually broke! Now I have to be on concussion watch...Felt so daft when it happened. I guess it did distract me from the fact that I was cleaning Oscar's favorite place to sleep during his last days. I am going to have to find better ways to distract myself from the hard stuff though. But cleaning out that place was soooo hard. That was my one big brave act of the day. That room, that spot is where I spent my last moments at home with him. I miss him. I did manage to do some laundry. I also forced myself to eat which is an improvement. I still do not feel hungry though.
I had a relatively good evening. I managed to stay calm. I pretty much kept myself distracted. I played some video games with my husband part of the evening. I had a very good talk with him and he apologized for making me feel like I had to move on faster then I was ready to. He said if he ever makes me feel like that again to please let him know and he will be more careful. He says he was just surprised by the scope of my grief and kinda not sure what to do about it but he did not mean to pressure me.
Tonight I feel a dizzy and anxious and blue. My throat likes to contract on me and my mouth is dry al the time. I feel on edge and very sad. But at this moment I am ok, in one piece. One moment at a time....
Hello Breanne,
Thank you for your kind words and thank you for your thoughts on the shirt. I really felt kinda stupid about the whole thing. I also have the same reaction to putting away his food dish. As such it is still there. I know eventually I will have to deal with all that but I do not feel up to it at the present time. And I hope that one day remembering him will be a joyful thing, not something as sad as it is now because he was a happy cat. Thank you again for your support it means a lot to me.
Hello Cornish-Dee,
Thank you for the kind words, for your lovely reply. Your support through all this and all weekend had been so valuable to me. Thank you for your friendship. As i mentionned before at the begin of this post, I have had a very good chat with my husband earlier and it helped.
Thank you for reminding me that I have a right to take the time I need to grieve. sometimes I feel pressured to do well. It is good to have people to remind me I am allowed to take the time I need to really feel better. And yes, doing things around the house did take a lot and I am proud of myself for managing it, even if I only did a little. Some parts were harder to do then others... As for the shirt, I will leave it alone till I am ready to deal with it.
At this point in the day I still have more anxiety symptoms then usual but I am not panicking which is so much more bearable. I am proud of myself though as I handle the panic well. Much better then I would have in the past. Am also proud of myself as I realize that I am not even anticipating another one. As for being brave, I don't know how brave I am but I am taking it one day at a time.
I hope your little one feels better soon and that your eldest's asthma settles down soon. Let me know when they feel better.
Thank you again friend for everything. 
.
Hello Koneko,
Thank you for your reply and for reassuring me that I am not a burden or overreacting. I know you are right. We all deal with grief in different ways. I will take the time I need to deal with this. Thanks for reminding me I am allowed to do so. I have already taken steps to have that time (i.e. Spoke to my boss, my husband, etc...). I am doing my best to take good care of myself and give myself the space to grieve. I felt very close to Oscar and I know I need to take the time to grieve for him.
Thank you again for your support and your kindness. It really means a lot to me.
Hello Miki,
No need to apologize for not being on much. Thank you for dropping in and replying to me now. Thank you for your kindness and support. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I see how my situation can echo with you. You too felt like your house was a place that reminded you constantly of what you were sad and anxious about. I am very sorry that you had to live through that. Thank you for sharing with me. As for my husband we did have a good talk as stated earlier in this post. I know this is hard on him too. He loved Oscar too. We just grieve differently.
I agree with you that Oscar would want me to be happy again when I am ready for it and that he would be proud of me for doing well for myself. He was such a happy cat. He knew how to live the good life! And yes, even knowing this I will still take the time needed to deal with my grief. Does one really ever stop grieveing or missing a loved one though? I think it gets easier but I am not sure it goes away completely. Who knows, what do I know anyway. I guess only time will tell. But I am trying to take care of myself and take whatever baby steps I can to take care of myself.
As for the letter to Oscar, for now, I do not feel ready but it sounds like a lovely idea and I think I will do that. Thank you for the suggestion. It will most likely help me find closure.
Thank you for your support and love. You take care also and let me know how it goes with your husband.
. Dont ever think of yourself as a burden because i definately do not see you as one ! 
