Jason,
Even if this seems like this it can't get any worse, will actually make you get better. I went through pretty much the same, as others here, and even stuck in my head the movie with Jack Nicholson, with the words " What if this is as good as it gets?" . It appears to me your Mom is your safe person, as my husband is/was. But I had to learn to cope with he couldn't be there all the time. I too called numerous times for him to come home, where I would get calm when he pulled up, emotionally exhausted fighting the thoughts and panic, it was my only relief of the day. He then got into attendance trouble, and it had to stop. Now I was facing something out of my control, me and panic alone. I saw a specialist that put me on some medicine, that it also gave me in the beginning, worse panic. But he asked to please let me keep going forward, as those will lessen as my body got used to it. They did, and if I needed to up my dosage, he did so in two week increments, as to not hyper sensitize my body to every single surrounding I was feeling, the sound of the tv, lights, the jitters, etc. I rationalized in my mind, my husband isn't a doctor, he has no magic dust that makes my anxiety go away, he has no heart defibrillator to shock me if I should have the gosh forsaken heart attack I'm so sure is going to happen as my heart is racing, or oxygen when I feel I can't breathe. I came so dependent upon him to be with me, in all actuality it was feeding my fear worse when he left for work, or the grocery store, telling him to hurry up and get back as fast as he can. I'm far from being out of my agoraphobic stage, but progress has been made. I can get through the day with relative ease, no fear. Of course, I might have an occasional apprehension or panic. But it doesn't set me back for weeks or months, I might feel it for a couple of days, but have been had to not call him home and it ceases within couple of hours. I stayed busy, cleaning, anything, and for me, doing activities that caused my brain to think, like strategic puzzles, I would even had my kids algebra books, and work problems. It deflected away from the thoughts that wanted to come in. My second experience happened again once my daughter reached 16 and would go out with friends (my husband worked 2nd shift), and I hadn't even realized that her usual presence of being there, had caused me to feel her as a second safe person! I worked through that too. I feared one month ago, did I permit it with my son?, he is off to college 3 hours away. No more coming in around 3:30 in the afternoon, was I going to go through this again. It didn't happen. Thank goodness. So having to be forced into something that made me feel so uncomfortable, feel as if I was falling back worse on my panic and thoughts, made me stronger. It will happen for you too. It won't be overnight, but it won't be too long. Side note- I always realized, I often was more apprehensive the first day my husband went to work after his days off, but as the week progressed, I was fine being alone. Dreaded the days when he went back, those will subside also, or not be near intense. Hang in there Jason, and congrats on your quitting smoking, that is my next step I wish to tackle.
x
