Good Morning D: Sorry to hear you have lot of pain. Hoping, as you say, you don't have to be there too long and not lose period of time. I've heard about that a little, but don't know much about it, sounds interesting but a little scary. I can see where strong meds could do that. I don't know much about what you have so will look it up, if you don't mind.
As for association re: birthdays, I really draw a blank. If it was someone else's problem, bet I could pinpoint it. Was thinking maybe it was after the accident that I forgot birthdays, I don't know. As you say, it doesn't really matter, just strange and causes no anxiety.
Hoping you are starting to feel a little better today, keep the faith. Saying a prayer all day.
On another note a girlfriend has inspired me to DO something with my old clay which has been sitting in the basement for about 3 yrs. She suggested some toad houses. Well, thought I might try and if they're nice will sell at a local flea market. So, going to be creative again. I like that.
Can you find an association with the birthdays. Or do birthdays remind you of your brothers. I lost a day once to a traumatic event and to this day I still cannot remember the day. Since it was over 30 years ago it doesn't bother me any more. But you can see why I don't want to create any more of these. I am missing periods of the six months that I spent with the last bout of Staph but most of that is due to Hydromorphone. I some times am glad those periods are missing because there was a lot of pain. That is Ok, but I don't want to start doing this as a way of coping. Looking out the window is Ok but purposely losing long periods of time is not. I will do medication again if I catch myself doing this. The other thing is, how important is it to know the past anyway. We all know what I think of past traumas. Since you can't change them they are best forgot. Ask any two people about a past event and they will most likely remember it differently any way. It depends on what they don't want to remember. This stay in the hospital will be short so I shouldn't get to the point where I start blanking whole days.
D: I think I understand what you mean. I don't think I have ever been able to blank it all out completely. When I was a teenager I lost two brothers to a drowning accident at the cottage. We were always together - always, but for some reason I did not go in the boat this time and was not there for the accident. I always asked "why not me?" survivor's guilt, I think it is called. I will always remember that day. The only thing I have ever blanked out are birthdays. I have no recollection of birthdays - except maybe 2-3 for any of the family. It's weird. I've asked my brother about it and he says that our mother always baked a cake for us. I do not remember even singing the happy b'day - blank. It doesn't bother me, but I do find it a bit strange.
Do you ever go blank so you don't have to experience something stressful? It's a little more than just looking out a window or looking at the floor. I can just put something on the back burner for weeks but I find that I still end up experiencing it at some time in the future and it is worse then because I have nothing to relate it to. I want to deal with it as it happens rather than deal with it in the future, maybe in the middle of the night when panic has it twisted and warped. Been there before. It's a little hard to describe. A bit like shell shock I think. Where you remember something as being worse than it was and reality was bad enough. I can do the "This is not real thing" to get rid of it but I think I want to use this opportunity to handle the stress before I have to handle the panic. Not explaining my self too well. It could be the pain killers.
Hi Davit: Good to hear from you. Not sure what you mean about hibernating to another place and it gets recorded. Only thing I can think of is when you sleep to kill some time or meditate about a nicer place to be. I don't think that's what you mean (?). I forgot about how noisy hospitals were. It's hard to get a good night's sleep with lights on in the hallway and nevermind taking a nap. Muffins sound good tho... I prayed for you today and will again tonight.
My therapist stopped in for a bit to see how I'm doing. AND she brought apple oatmeal nutmeg muffins which I am not going to share with any one. Well, I would share with you people but you're not here are you. I'm getting grumpy and some anxiety but I seem to be holding together. I do expect to fall apart here some where and not because of negative thoughts but just because it is noisy here. And it is a hospital which is not home. No anticipatory anxiety because I have spent so much time in hospitals they hold no surprises. One of the things I do is I go into another place and Hibernate till the situation is over. Please don't do this unless you have to because even though you think your not there it still gets recorded and you will play it back days later and have to deal with it. I am trying to deal with the stress as it happens so I don't get this affect. I wonder if any one else has noticed this. I hope you are all having a nice weekend.
Hey D. just thought I'd check before going to bed and lo and behold, you are communicating! Good for you, but it must be getting late for you. I'm glad to hear you are in good mood and your therapist is actually visiting you. That's awesome. They don't usually around here. It'll probably be hard to sleep in a strange bed and room. I can never sleep the first night I'm visiting somewhere. Pls. take good care.
As for the greenhouse, I used to sketch and watercolour what veggies I was going to plant and where. I would keep these sketches so I would remember for the next year, you know, crop rotation and all that, tho I didn't plant that much. Maybe you can plan things out in the greenhouse, or maybe you already pretty much know what you would like. Planning on paper might occupy your time is what I'm thinking.
I got a big fundraising day tomorrow and I felt a little overwhelmed this afternoon. Wondered where that came from. Did lots of relaxation and breathing and it helped. I remembered something you had said about not knowing if you were feeling a certain way because you were sick, or because of the anxiety, or combination of both. That's what happened to me today. I felt so tired and dizzy. So yes, I did take it easy and it passed. Might have been the virus I have. Not taking anything for it except herbal tea and herbal lozenges for the cough. Well, sleep tight. Hope tomorrow is a good day for you on your way to physical healing so you can be ready for your greenhouse. Keep that positive thought, spring is coming.
If nothing else I am in a good mood. My therapist stopped to visit. She said she had a cold she was going to give me. She is pretty so I said she couldn't but she could try. I don't like it in the hospital but for the next few days I think this is the place to be. I am still looking forward to working in my greenhouse and can't this way so here I am for a few days. I am stable as I have ever been right now. But you know there is still that nagging "when am I going to crash thought" even though I know it isn't going to happen. Even if it does I have proved I can handle it.
Hi Davit: Well, I have to admit I was kind of worried too when I read that you couldn't get yourself a cup of tea. I was hoping you had real good neighbours/friends coming over to help you out. I'll be thinking of you and you know we are all here supporting you. Glad you have your laptop, you'll be able to communicate. All my good vibes are going your way.
p.s. my cold turned out to be some kind of viral infection which I just have to wait out, sigh. been two wks. now and throat still scratchy, cough, cough, cough. drinking plenty of fluids.
