I like my group alot...it took a little while at first but we have made friends and it's nice to be surrounded by people who understand what your going through...all the ups and downs. I still have two weeks on my first group, the other doesn't start till June. One lady in this group will be going to the sessions as well , so that will be nice.
My goal, I think, in this new session will be to overcome my anxiety about the surgery. I need to work that out before I get my surgery date.
I wish you were here, I'd bring you with me, in a heart beat. I'll keep you in my prayers and maybe something will come up that you will want to join.
One thing though, my friends here are priceless and I value your care and concern very much. Hugs to everybody
Monday and Tuesday weren't too bad actually...the anxiety was mostly in the a.m. then the afternoon was fine. Even had a decent sleep last night. So far today is more difficult. My session was this morning so the anxiety wasn't too bad, there but it always feels better when I am there. This afternoon though I was listening to one of my relaxation cd's and just felt like I forgot to breathe ( was very relaxing, I thought ) but after that I had anxiety...just plain afraid...don't even know why, to tell you the truth, so I took out my workbook and filled all the forms and read a bit more in my other book.
It did ease somewhat...and my son is home today , so just having him in the house helped. I still went outside and mowed the back lawn but had no real interest in doing more. I guess I feeling down because of it...must be a poor me moment.
At group I was asked if I was interested in an Anxiety Applications Group and I said yes. We have to pick a specific goal and with the help of the group leaders they will review treatment options, develop a plan and we will recieve support while applying the treatment strategies. I figure it's worth a shot.
Okay, i'm running at the mouth, just needed to talk to some friends.
Hi! Listen to Davit and sunny123...they are both right.. I'm glad to here your doctor is going to set you up with a counsellor. hopefully you will get some more help.
Davit....sorry to hear you cut your leg..hope it heals quickly.
I didn't even notice your post to be 'testy'. And keep ranting... it saves us(at least me) too.. I mean , I wished you didn't have horrible times to have to do it, but it's a relief/release. I have those days too. But lately it has gotten less and less, and I think it's really from letting go... like saying to myself 'ok fine, be anxious or depressed' and then when I stopped stopping it, it started to be o.k.. it still sucks but I guess that is the 2 steps back that Sunny says, and lately I only need a step back. It's hard to see your own progress, but I see you and you're doing great. Just keep venting.
Davit,
I'm so sorry to hear about your leg!! But you sound really cool about it. I hope it heals quickly.
Ahh! Davit, you always have a way of reassuring me that what is going on is okay. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.
I did have sort of a "I won" yesterday morning when I woke up and was so proud of myself for having handled the anxiety the night before and still getting sleep. You are right I am moving to fast , so I will make an effort to slow it down a bit and start again from the beginning. I have been filling in my forms and will continue to do so.
I'm so sorry you injured your leg and I do hope that it heals quickly and lets you continue on with your yard. You are such a strong person...it gives me something to strive for.
Davit - gee, sure hope your cut is not too deep or will take a long time to heal. Another prayer coming your way.
Shadowkins: Yes, remember the step forward and two steps back? That's what this good day. bad day thing is about. As you keep practicing the CBT lessons and taking extra good care of yourself, the step forward becomes two, and only one back. One day, it'll be two forward and no steps back. Keep the faith. You sound frustrated with your progress - but you know what? that's o.k., use that energy to learn even more about yourself and what bothers you the most.
I am disappointed in your doctor. You are so far from becoming dependant on the drugs. He should have given you the pills and told you to try not to take them. Does he not understand that just having it there as an out is calming and you would not take it unless you have too. Sorry, my rant for the day. (I hope) You are progressing it is just you telling yourself that you aren't. It is just the negative sneaking under your guard. I hope you are ready for this because I am going to tell it to you anyway. You are going to have more days when just nothing works. It is just part of the process. It is how you keep track of how you are doing. They will get fewer and fewer till they are gone. I still think you are going too fast and that will bring on the bad days more often. All you can do is accept that you are having a bad day and find something positive about the experience. It is frustrating because all you can do is roll with it. Get mad though, let it out. I recommend people get a nurf ball or a stuffed toy and throw it at the wall till you either laugh or cry, but do not hold the anger in. Because if you do hold it in it moves the negative back to the top where you don't want it. When the anxiety fades don't forget to say "I won"
Today I had a little time before seeing the doctor so I tried to cram something in first. The long and the short is that I cut my leg quite bad and had to go see him early to get it stitched up. It bothers me that I did something stupid that is going to slow me down but it is not causing me anxiety. Some things we have no control of. (accidents) My point is that a year ago or so I would have put all kinds of negative spins on this till I was a quivering wreck. You will get better. You will get to the point where you can do things you want to. You will get to the point where you either have no unwanted sensations or you just shrug them off. I didn't get this way overnight. In fact I was so bad that twelve weeks was not enough. I took years. But it was worth it. Life is good now and you will be like this too even though it doesn't seem like it now.
Right now I am just really upset because my dr. said that if was too difficult he would give me a few more clorazepam but when I called him this a.m. and told him what happened Sunday, he said he would not give me more...to keep up with my coping skills. I know this is a good thing , but I just feel so let down ...like he was waiting for me to send my letter to my surgeon and then just let me drop. That's not what it is, I know, I just feel that way. He will however try and set me up with a counsellor in addition to our weekly groups.
I am terrified at how the week will go, afraid that I will go back to what it was 2 months ago. My reasoning mind knows this is incorrect because the amitriptyline has had time to function fully in my system but my anxiety is having a real field day with this now.
I will simply continue what I was doing. It's just that yesterday nothing I tried seemed to work, probably because I was so disappointed that I had such bad anxiety and angry that I was going through it all again.
