So this morning I needed the car and whenever I need the car my hubby drives to work and then I can take the car and be on my merry way. But this morning's drive wasn't merry in any way. About 5 minutes in I started feeling weird, and I knew it was my anxiety...and then I turned onto one of the main streets that was completely backed up and then I lost any composure that I had. I started panicking, hyperventilating, had the feeling that my throat was closing, dizziness and then the shakes...really bad shakes - almost like shivering but I wasn't cold in the least bit. I had a full blown panic attack in morning rush hour traffic, and I have to say that the 45 minute drive home was...I don't even have words for it. After I got out of the car to walk to the house I barely had any strength in my legs, and I felt like I was going to collapse. I got inside, laid down on the couch and cried and cried and cried. Now I am absolutely terrified to have to drive again today - and I have to do it twice and I am desperately looking for a way out of it. I have to leave at around 1pm to go to an important Dr appointment, a specialist for my tummy actually that I've been waiting for since July. Then at 3pm I have to leave to get my hubby and I am already freaking out. This morning I tried some positive self-talk and it seemed to work, mildly. I just kept saying "look at how close I am to home (even though I wasn't close at all), I'm almost there, I'm going to be ok". Right now I feel like crap, I feel exhausted like I ran a marathon or something. I think I need a nap. But goodness, being put in a situation where you actually have no escape is HELL and it SUCKS...it's like forced exposure work. Part of me never wants to drive again, especially not again today...but I know I don't really have another choice. Facing my anxiety head on is making me so angry and so...flustered, I just feel like I'm going to "lose it". >:(
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