I felt bad not posting after my lasts posts were made when I was so upset. Honestly I get scared to come onto the site after I've had a bad few days or bad week of lots of upset because once I start to feel a bit better I go into functioning mode and even just logging in last week to say hello scared me. I worried I would not be able to do it without reading other posts and then I'd start to feel again and back down the miserable path of emotional turmoil I had just come out of. That seems to fit with the avoidance tactics common to anxiety. Trying to avoid triggers.
I calmed down after venting here about the last visit to a new therapist. I have recovered some optimism about meeting yet another new person soon. It helps that this next person took more time with me on the phone to explain their approach and the last person with whom I was not happy with, didn't do that at all. I am hopeful, this next person I am trying out was empathetic on the phone and said some things that match with my experience so maybe we will click.
I so appreciate everyone's posts. Davit, I so appreciate your honesty. You are a beacon of strength for me.
A lot of people are not "mature" - I see that. I am not blind to it. Most adults actually have some immaturity about them that may or may not be harmless. I am not trying to be condescending but honestly, I can't find pleasure in some of the things people around me do for kicks and I am starting to feel ok with that. There are people whose lives seem so superficial to me, and boy did I use to work hard to be accepted by these people so I would not feel so alone. I have only met a few people who talk like I do, notice the same things I do, and have similar values. I am an orange, to use Davit's analogy. In an apple world. Its not easy. Apples don't know what to do with me, and for a long time I didn't know what to do with them. I suffered because I tried to be like them, and I beat myself up for not being like them, or accepted by them and I took what they said about me to heart when they criticized me (for not being like them).
I am working on becoming a truly happy orange. There are things from the past that are preventing me from being happy. I tried to address them all, all by myself, all at once. It didn't work.
I believe I can recover or reconcile all the parts of me that can work together to make me happy and whole feeling. I know that being happy doesn't mean never feeling fear or anger but it does require me to know what to do with those things and to learn things that yes, I should have learned at age 4 and 5 but I refuse to believe it is too late to learn whatever it is I need to learn in order to be content and happy. Not everyone is on my side but a few people are and that is enough. I can find more and more people who will ally with me if I work at it. I have met a few people who are happy, and want others to be happy and this gives me hope.
