My day started off really good. I got a great night of sleep. My wife and I enjoyed a nice breakfast and then we headed off to work.
I did take 5 mg of diazepam in the morning. Had a good morning at work. I even was able to go into Whole Foods and buy a couple of things I needed. That was a real success, because I have had trouble going into store and getting through the checkout without having some anxiety ot panic attacks. I was even able to walk all the way through a Walgreens later in the day.
I took 1/4 of a diazepam tablet in the early afternoon. And then it started to get a little cloudy as I drove to my next appointment. I noticed anxiety increasing a little. The neighborhood was not the greatest.
I then finished my day and then left the office and put some gas in my car. While pumping the gas, I suddenly had a thought like an explosion could occurr and it jolted me just a tad. Reminded me of the scene in Terminator 2 where Sarah Connor imagined a nuclear explosion. Not sure if you guys remember that scene.
On the way home I felt a bit tense. By the time I got home, I was obsessing over my own mortality and fearing the reality that we all die some day. I went out back with my wife and looked in on the turtle pen and pond. I let one of our turtles out. That seemed to help. Talking about my anxious moments with my wife also helped.
Then I cooked out dinner and fed the cats, all the while, my obsessing got worse. I began to flush in the face. I took half a diazepam.
It got so bad, that when we were eating and watching Seinfeld, I feared a panic attack. I began to practice some slow and steady breathing. Eventually it calmed down to a level that I could manage. I even cleaned up the dishes and made our chamomile tea and got our lunches ready for tomorrow.
Now I am sitting here venting.
I don't understand why this is happening now. Is this just a setback because of the panic attack I had Friday? I know I often have ups and down following a significant attack. Or is this me getting worse?
The anxiety drained me such that I don't have much energy left. I was supposed to go online and register for a college course.
Now I know we are all mortal and nothing can be done about that, but these darn obsessive thoughts escalate from common things like songs getting stuck in my head to obsessing over work and then to something really scary like fear of dying.
I am starting to question whether I should listen to the doctor who prescribed me Paxil.
Any thoughts?
David