Well, until this Friday I thought I just about to become a superwoman - having my Gilex (doxephin) through into the garbage. But now, darkness arrived once again. Perhaps its the war in my country; the bus I used to take every day to the University for many years just exploded. Went up in the air. But what's new? So I take Assival but I'm afraid to get addicted. I do not want to be fat again, neither do I desire to be "normally calm" because of the Gilex. I just want to be feel good. How can I become a mother one days with those shivering and crying and the drugs... How can I not live in a constant fear that it is out there, waiting for me or for something to happen - just to attack again. The fear makes me cry; the cry makes me loose control and search for what ever medications are left in the house. Cannot get an appointment to CBT. Too many people on the waiting list. No wonder. I went to the a certain Mall today: It was exploded at least 5 times. Tried to buy something nice; to deal with it. But I crashed when I arrived home. I have no point of cancellation, no sense of how I can change the drugs for something else. What's more, I am, like others feel the most helpless frightened person on earth. Non of my professional achievement can hold in such moments, nor the love of my husband. Only deep and a sense of lamenting on who I am, and what has become of me during the last five years.
