I was first diagnosed with Panic Disorder in 1999, and had a lot of success with 50 mg of Zoloft (I still had isolated attacks, but I dealt with them and moved on). Last March, my dad died unexpectedly and suddnely, yet I had no attacks. My dad was my best friend and the only one who ever sat with me during attacks, it didn't make sense to me that I could handle it with no attacks. I did have smaller attacks around the holidays, but not what I expected. However, this year on the 1 year anniversary, I just about lost it. I had attack after attack for a couple days and was forced to increase my Zoloft to 75 mg a day. This was 2 weeks ago and while the full blown attacks have stopped, I am extremely anxious and scared expecting them to return. I also feel so depressed that they feel like they will never go away. One of the thoughts that bring the anxiety and panic is like the "crazy thoughts" people talk about. Each time the "crazy thoughts" come, I correct myself and make note that I would never do that. I am completely against suicide, but the scary thought keeps coming at me. Edited on 3/17/2005 @ 9:22:38 PM by The Support Team

hi again, its ivy, just wondering if u have regular contact with your mum as it sounds like she's a big triggor for your distress.I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago.it was the hardest thing i ever did because i have no other family but i still feel entangled up with her.no matter what inner work i do she still affects me and i can't let go of the anger and guilt.anyway thats all for now, hugs, ivy.

Hi, Thank you for your response. And welcome to America! I am hoping that people like you can help me get thru this chapter of my life, indeed. I guess I put too much on my plate at times. Meaning I feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders. I tried very hard to put it in the Lord's hands. Sometimes, I feel his hands are already full. yes, I will take your advice and make the first step and see what happens. Thank you for your advice and I promise to do just that, take that step. I just hope I don't get rejected. Something I have always faced growing up. *hugs* Elizabeth (medolrk)

Hi Ivy... I was hit a lot by my mother and was basically called stupid while growing up. Out of the blue, she would slap me. I know she is a disturbed woman, and I have tried to look past all that. Even today, even though she can't hit me, she uses very cruel words. I do have the wonderful love of my Dad, who I am very close to. He had no idea that she was so abusive while 'us kids' were growing up. She would always hit us while he was at work. Then be 'nice' while he was home. The most recent thing that has happened is she called me a theif and a liar. Niether is what I am. I am a very honest and caring person and would never hurt anyone, nor steal. She is the type of person who thrives on causing trouble in the family. She will, no doubt die a hateful, spiteful, lonely woman. I have thought many times how I may react to her death. The only thing that truly comes to mind is, it will be the little girl in me who will cry wishing she had the real love of this woman/mother who hated her so much. As for the mature woman I am now, it will just be doing my duty as a daughter to make arrangements. I guess, I have t o search deeply into myself and wonder why being rejected has affected me this me this way. I have had to grow up with tremendous rejection, and now that I am an adult, it still happens to me. I don't think I deliberatly set myself up. It just happens. I have entrusted certain people into my life. Friends, lovers, certain relatives. But have been rejected by them as well. It's almost like I have had to put up a wall to protect myself from being hurt, like I was hurt when I was a child. Hope all this makes sense. The only true ones that I can really talk with are my sons and my Dad. Heck, I even feel like I can't talk with my husband. It was very quiet all weekend. He hardly talked with me at all. I majorly withdrew this weekend and just stayed in bed watching TV. Not once did he ask me if I was OK. We've been together going on 27 yrs. Everything is fine as long I as I keep up this facade. I do thank you for your response and look forward to hearing you again. Thank you, kind person! Elizabeth (medolrk)

hi medolk, i'm ivy and I was sexually, physically and psychologically abused by my mother who is an alcoholic, also terrorised by my father.this has left me with emotional wounds that i dont know how to begin to heal. It is such a relief to read your note as i don'tknow anyone who was abused by their mother,and sad that you were made to go through it.being betrayed by my mother has left me not trusting myself or others and i am constantly looking for parenting from anyone who is kind to me..my aim is to parent myself and learn to trust again and stop hurtingmyself but i know itd gonna be a long journey. maybe we could be some help to each other coping with sadness, anxiety etc. take care, love ivy

hey, I feel the same way from time to time. I came from Europe two years ago wothout speaking english at all! I had problems with everything, I couldn't even go to a bank to open my acount because I felt like a idiot! I didn't have friends or anyone to talk to about my problems. Then I started having panic attacks, which only made everything even worse.But I don't give up. Now my english is a little bit better and I try to come up to people and make some friends. and my husband (we got married 4 weeks ago) is my bst friend who supports me all the time. so, what I wanted to say is that you can't give up! there are many really cool people around and you just have to make the first step! of course, we have better and worse times but the most important is to not give up and have faith!!! good luck! p.s. and remember that there are also many people here to help you!

Hi medolrk, Fellow members will be responding to your post soon, but I just wanted to also ask if you have seen your doctor about how you are feeling, or if you are in any type of therapy. Having someone like this you can trust to talk with about the feelings you are reporting can really make a difference. They may also be able to help you find the answers you are looking for as to why you have experienced an increase in your symptoms and teach you coping mechanisms to help overcome these feelings. Casey ______________________________ The Panic Center Support Team

I have had anxiety attacks for quite some time. Some stem from the abuse from my mother. At times, I feel so alone. I am glad this website is here to help cope. I just wish I could get to the real source of why my attacks are coming more frequent and seem to last most of the day. All I want to do is sleep, and withdraw. I have also been feeling rejected by various people, who I thought cared about me. Any suggestions, friends? -Meadowlark