Welcome Handacorbu:
My name is Ray but I have, in the distant past, been known as Nonic. Unfortunately for me I have been absent from these pages for at least 6 years; having quit in 2006. I suppose in each of our ways, we are together new here. So onward we will go, you can enjoy your newness and I will savor my reincarnation.
This is a good place to be. This site was a wonderful help in my efforts to quit.
What struck me most in your post was the screaming eagle of anxiety that practically flew out of your words. It is something that I understand in myself and other here know well. Anxiety will stalk you as you quit. But do not lose hope. Anxiety is one of those human states of consciousness that travels in and out of us all. And quite frankly, nicotine does help quench the fire of that red hot monster. But it is the most damaging elixir that you can take to rid yourself of the uncomfortable feelings that give life to anxiety. There are better ways and you will find your your own path as you wend your way through the woods.
It would be dishonest of me to write more about this subject now as I am not going through smoking withdrawal. So what I would like to send you is a post that I wrote when I was deeply in the throes of the very thing that frightens and disturbs you now. Perhaps you will find something in it that will resonate. If do, that would be great, but if not do not do not give up on this site. There are many other people here who are suffering as you are. Hear them and be comforted. You are not alone,
Smoking was a big part of my life for nearly 37 years. All occasions along the way be they joyous, solemn or mundane, I experienced through the thin blue veil. Weddings, funerals, birthdays and all of the celebrations and remembrances that fold into the cake batter of one’s life had one constant element. And that was the need to light up one more time. Smoking was such a large part of my life that in I hardly noticed it at all. That is, it became a part of me and therefore just one more piece of baggage, so familiar, that I did not see it at all. But when I found myself in some alien local that forbade me to enter while carrying that bit of luggage, my awareness of the thing rose to staggering heights. The mere knowledge that I would be without my traveling companion for the briefest of time sent my emotional thermostat through the roof. Suddenly, my former cool and collected self became a quivering, knee jerking, impatient fool of a man. And the emergency did not end until I had safely escaped that retched place and once again found relief in the ritual of lighting up one more square… I do believe that the realization of just how much I needed to smoke became my point of embarkation down cessation road.
Needing anything in this life with such a passion is not a good thing for me. That kind of need is a sort of sickness. It is a kind of self-negation because the eventual results of continuing along that path leads to self-annihilation. It is best to call it what it is. It is an addiction. And in my view of things it is a way of destroying the vessel (body) in order to avoid experiencing the self (mind, soul and spirit). I used smoking as a method of allowing myself to avoid dealing with many things. I used it to steal time. I used it to tamp down uncomfortable emotions. I used it to silence myself when speaking was the best course to engage. I used it when I was lonely. I used it when I was sad. And I used it when I was happy to be alive (which is 99% of the time). There was a whole lot of using going on in my life. But most of all it used me. If you are reading this, I must assume that you too wish to “put the squares down”. If so here are three points that I would suggest you consider as you work your way to sessationville.
1. Awareness
In order to recognize the nature of the task there is a need for awareness. As smokers we have always been aware that smoking is a negative aspect in our lives. The difficulty has been that that awareness, for the most part, lasts for mere nanoseconds. The revelation is quickly overcome by the desire for one more smoke. That is part of the circular nature of the addiction. As we all know nicotine has a half-life in the body and just as we reach a state of awareness with regard to the negative impact the practice is having, the old cycle is renewed as the nicotine is drained from our bodies. The light of awareness is quickly extinguished by the desire to begin the cycle yet one more time.
2. Acceptance
Accept that you have fallen into a trap of sorts. You have allowed smoking to become such a part of your life that without it, social functions become unbearable; completing tasks always incorporates it, and even your sexual life becomes less than perfect without its presence. In short, as the old R&B classic goes, smoking "has really got a hold on you"..."I don't want you, but I need you...and so forth. However, accept also that you do not need smoking. In fact it needs you or at least the tobacco industry needs you to survive. You need to eradicate its presence in your life so that YOU can survive.
3. Appreciation
The third point that I find useful is appreciation. In the first instance appreciate that you have this chance to quit. That is fundamental. Not all people are given or choose to take advantage of the opportunity to leave smoking in the dust. Even now I do not know if I quit soon enough as I smoked for 37 of my trips around the sun. Perhaps I have escaped the ravages of my self-imposed suicidal behavior. Perhaps I have come to it to late, I do not know. But I am happy and appreciate the fact that I have been given the opportunity to quit. It is a blessing and should be celebrated.
Appreciate as well all that is in your life, although much of it may seem a trial, it all has its purpose. We all suffer in this life to one degree or another. We all have trials. We all have triumphs. There are times when we are loved and times when we are despised. There are times when we love deeply and others when we face disappointment and alienation. The one overriding principle to bear in mind is that smoking will neither enhance nor diminish any of those experiences. I think (and this is only me) that the key is to appreciate the whole magilla and wonder at the cosmic coincidence or plan that is the reality of human existence. I do. In fact I think it is a miracle that we are here at all.
Stay Well
Nonic (But you can call me Ray)
