Interesting story Davit. I guess I have to give them a bit longer but it's really not fun. I've been doing that awful thing of googling citalopram not sure that's helped so I'm going to stop doing that. I have just made myself go to the supermarket, but still feel awful.
Since it is not interfering with things that you like to do personally I would stay on it. What is another week if there is a chance the side affects will subside and it will start doing what it should. I would do that if it was me and I could. I stopped it because it was making me suicidal. I'm just one of those few it affects that way.
Here is a little storey about me. I fell off a tractor a few years back and shattered my femur. Pretty painful but they pinned and screwed it back together and told me to stay off it for six weeks. Normal routine. I got infection and it affected the nerves to both legs. Unbelievable pain. I was for all purposes a paraplegic. But one with a lot of pain, worse is the fact I have poor upper body strength. I decided to end my life. It was, as far as I could see the only way out. Once the decision was made it was just a matter of deciding when. So I put it off knowing I was still prepared to do it. I wanted to see just how bad it could get before I stopped it. It was bad, God I could see that on the nurses faces. I found little things I could do for relief and hung onto the thought that I was tougher than I thought. It got better but took four more month. Even when the pain went down I still had the embarrassment of being slung in and out of bed. Two years ago I had a perforated ulcer. More infection, more pain (not as bad) more bed pan and being slung in and out of bed. I survived that and here I am trying to be inspiration for people having a tough time. We are tougher than we think and every time it proves to be worth it. A good part of our pain whether it be physical or mental is mental and one important thing to remember is that tomorrow this will be yesterday and not count. Any crap today will be over.
You will never know for sure if you did the right thing unless you try.
That said, if it gets unbearable then stop it or reduce it and I will not feel any less for you for doing that.
This would be a good time for others to tell how they got through those first weeks. There are certainly enough people taking it.
So day 6 of cit and I really don't feel so great. I feel like my mind is somewhere else. I feel on edge and quite down. Worried ive done the right thing going back on it. I was get anxious and panicky a lot so I thought taking it sooner rather than later would be good. I didn't feel particularly down before but I do at the moment! I did go to the gym and music therapy which were both good but I still don't feel like me. I'm thinking of coming off cit but then what if things get worse later in? I'm very confused at the mo and still have a long night ahead.
This is good yes. This is positive. A small step but a step none the less.
Journaling is one of those things we do to get a sense of what is and what we just think is. It points out what are actual triggers verses ones we make. Writing a positive, reading it and speaking it makes three positives to counter each negative and is more effective than thinking it. Thinking is good but not as effective. Thinking can be warped to our mood, writing stares us in the face where we can say, this isn't so even though it seems so. If you have a cell phone you can type in things as they happen and challenge them later. It makes a good distraction also. Once you start challenging things you will do it automatic. This can stop panic in it's tracks before it can become confusing. Once it becomes confusing there is nothing to challenge and it goes into fight or flight. It is harder then to reason with. At that point all you can do is accept it and let it happen. This will shorten the duration is all but better than fighting it. At some point you just start saying "oh your here again" when you get agitated. You have to remember that this is all coming from memory and every day you can think positive is a day in memory to draw on. In a while all you will draw on is positives. The negatives are still there and you can find them if you look so try not to look for them. Accept the past happened and let it go.
So I had a reasonable nights sleep and made myself get up and go to work, where I did manage the whole day although now I'm home and it's the weekend I do feel v anxious and empty headed, like i have a massive panic attack brewing. Unfortunately I didn't have my consultation as I was told the gp wouldn't ring til 5.30 and she rang at 9am so I missed her! Tomorrow I am going to a music therapy class which are usually quite beneficial.
Thanks Davit. I will try and go to work tomorrow again but I did have a long talk with my boss this eve. I'm trying to be realistic about it all. I've survived it before but I forgot how horrendous those first few days and weeks are. I just want to be able to see 6 wks ahead and know I'm over the worst. I've got a phone consultation with gp tomorrow. It is the nights and weekends that scare me most when help isn't as readily available. I've been honest with so many people that I'm on meds and trying not to hide but that is all i want to do really. Hope this is in some sort of order, typing on an iPhone so can only see a bit of the screen at a time!
Thanks Davit. I will try and go to work tomorrow again but I did have a long talk with my boss this eve. I'm trying to be realistic about it all. I've survived it before but I forgot how horrendous those first few days and weeks are. I just want to be able to see 6 wks ahead and know I'm over the worst. I've got a phone consultation with gp tomorrow. It is the nights and weekends that scare me most when help isn't as readily available. I've been honest with so many people that I'm on meds and trying not to hide but that is all i want to do really. Hope this is in some sort of order, typing on an iPhone so can only see a bit of the screen at a time!
You have a realistic idea of what is happening so it can only get better. As long as the dose isn't too high you won't get agitation so bad you lose sense of reality. The agitation is just your mind trying to reject something it thinks is foreign. It is foreign. Accepting it will make it less crappy. Okay, you lost the day at work, what can you do at home to fill the time so you don't feel like you wasted it. The walk was a very good thing to do. It shows your world isn't falling apart, it only feels like it and it will pass. Acceptance is positive and that will help your mind deal with something it thinks is foreign. In truth since what you are going through is normal in many people so it isn't foreign it only seems so.
I am here with you walking this journey and will support what ever you decide but hope you will prove strong enough to stick it out. And I don't say this lightly since I know what sticking it out is asking of you. Balance it against worse things, a broken leg would be six weeks too.
Thanks Davit. I only managed just over 2 hours at work today. I was so unsettled and agitated that I ended up walking the 8 miles home just to try and work off some of the excess energy. I am so scared. I know I've only been on them 4 days but I forgot how scary cit is.
As you can see though except for me the others did get over the first weeks and there are more people who used to be here doing it still. And for those it works for they definitely benefit. I tend to be too technical and not enough compassionate. I do know what you are going through. A really hopeless collection of thoughts has to be there before the suicidal thoughts. It is a side effect in only some. They like me were at rock bottom with no where to go. You should know all the side effects to understand what belongs and what doesn't.
I think all things considered you are doing well. I think it is great that you are trying also. The past is the past and doesn't count and this will soon be the past. On to a better future.
