Great work! I think you deserve some cheesy pretzel things too
I think getting counselling around your relationship is a great idea, even if he is not willing to attend. It sounds like you are putting hard work into yourself and your life - this will pay off in the long run. I think you made an important point, you said you keep trying to make it work and he has checked out. On the one hand, if you are more invested in the relationship then he is and you are doing more of the relationship "work" then that is likely very frustrating and unsatisfying for you. One the other hand, stonewalling is a common pattern men can sometimes fall into when they are having relationship trouble. It is not fair to you but it can be addressed in counselling. As you said though he is not willing to attend counselling so this makes the problem much less manageable. I hope counselling will help you move forward in whatever decision is right for you. Keep us updated.
What keeps me going is I remember I used to enjoy driving. I used to drive everywhere before the accidents. The freedom I had and gave up when the fear took over. I want that back. More than having that back I don't ever want to experience a panic attack again. I've been working hard for this since the day I joined this site.
I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. I plan to talk to the therapist about "my husband" and the issues I have with him. He refuses marital counseling. If I'm honest, I don't see our relationship lasting much longer, I actually think it ended a couple of years ago, he checked out, but I kept trying to make it work. We live together, but for the most part have separate lives. I've realized that finally with recent events. That is one of the reasons I have referred to him as a spouse and not a husband. I'm okay with all of this.
Reading what you've said about resentment and how it can be poison and cause me harm means I have to let go of that. I've worked to hard in this program to have a set back from that. I have a full plate already per say. I can let go of it, smile and move forward.
I also drove again today. Same trip, same route. No train though at my left turn and I was alone. I am proud of myself. I will continue to drive everyday at different times of the day until this gets boring and then change my route or drive further under a level 7 fear. I will never put myself in the 9-10 range ever again for any reason. My mental health means more to me than that and I think it took that for me to realize it. No reward today aside from the pride I felt, but those cheesy pretzel bites were really good and I think I deserve more of them.
I read your post last night, tried to reply but got kicked off a few times. I signed on today just so I could reply to you. What really struck me when I read your first reply to me was how hurt you sounded. The nightmares and all the other hard feelings must have been really difficult to handle. I also read how hard on yourself you were. You said you felt like a coward but I was reading the exact opposite. You were crying in terror yet you still tried to drive - that is courageous if I ever heard it. Then I read your second post and couldn't believe it. You tried again so soon after to challenge yourself; how impressive! You are one strong lady to keep on fighting despite all the fear you are working with. Please give yourself some credit for your strength - not only do you deserve it but it will also help your healing. I was very happy to read you gave yourself a well deserved reward.
What also jumped out at me was the resentment you feel for your husband right now. I can understand why you would feel that way but resentment can really be poison. Lingering resentment can harm a relationship but it does more harm to the individual who is feeling it. That being said, how can you work on letting go of this resentment or healing from it? What do you think would help? What do you think you can do?
I drove today. Not the newer car, not the older car, but my brothers car. I drove in traffic. Five minutes away. and 5 minutes back. I had a person with me just in case. Baby steps again. Thankfully there was a train, made turning left across traffic easier for me. I rewarded myself with cheese filled pretzel bites.
Thank you. I was proud of myself for being assertive.
I was not so proud of myself while driving with that level of fear. I did not feel strong during that. I felt like a coward. A crying coward while I drove. It has led to nightmares about driving which has caused me to wake up having panic attacks again within the past few days. I feel resentful towards my spouse, it feels as if he set me up for failure. It might not be fair to blame him, but it's how I feel at the moment.
I know I need to get back in the drivers seat, but I'm terrified after the nightmares I've had. I think its back to step one for me for my fear of driving. Tomorrow I will go sit in the car and start it. Baby steps again. But I will conquer this once again.
It sounds like you felt he didn't consider your needs and excluded you from a big desision. Perhaps your needs of communication, support and understanding were not met. Good for you for being assertive. You are one brave lady to be tackling a level 9-10 fear! I can hear a lot of strength in you even though you might not feel that strong now.
I was angry because he took it upon himself to purchase a vehicle without me. The original plan was that we would go on Monday September 29th together and agree upon a vehicle. I was also angry because he bought it in another state, without thinking that I would not feel comfortable driving the older one home, when he had previously said I would be driving newer one. It was our original agreement that I would be driving the newer one since the older one needs repairs and I would feel safer in it. He also knew I had a Drs appointment the following day and it bothered me that he would want/expect me to miss it.
I used assertiveness to handle the issue and told him I would go to pick up car after my Dr appointment because I was not willing to reschedule my Dr appointment.
My fear level was 9-10 and I agree it did more harm then good. I wasn't able to drive earlier today. I kept having what if thoughts about the older car breaking down or stalling at a stop light and concerning myself with heavy traffic.
I'll be sure to post if I get to drive the newer one and what my fear level is.
I can see why this would cause you to be angry. Anger is an important emotion - use it to look deeper into what you are feeling. What is the hurt behind the anger? Do you feel your husband doesn't understand your anxiety? Do you feel he isn't putting your health first? What is it exactly? What do you need from him now? Support? Understanding? Patience?
Also, would it be good exposure for you? On a scale of 1 - 10 what would your fear level be? You should be at around a 7 for exposure. If you are higher in anxiety then the exposure might be more harmful then helpful. Let us know what you decide to do.
I have a choice as to how I handle any situation presented to me. Unfortunately, this one is unexpected and I'm not sure how to proceed giving my current feelings. I am a people pleaser and don't have a tendency to get angry often, but I am feeling anger right now as well as resentment.
My spouse called to inform me he bought a newer car out of state and that tomorrow we are going to go pick it up and I am driving the older car home. I reminded him of my Dr appointment tomorrow.
1.I have been dealing with the fear of driving for years. I have done exposure work and have drove on several occasions now, but very short drives and not on the highway/freeway for an extended period so I am feeling anxiety towards this.
2. I have a Dr appointment that will either have to be rescheduled or I will be late for.
My choices,
1. Tell him no, I am not going with him to pick up the car. I had previous plans (health) which he was well aware of.
2. Reschedule my Dr appointment and feel resentful but accept that this will be good exposure therapy. (I'm trying to see the positive side of this unexpected issue.)
I don't expect anyone to give me advice on how to handle this. I just needed to vent. Excuse me while I go scream...
