Well, the day after that message, I went back on the meds I was on before. It's been better since then. I did the funny brain itch thing for a few days, but I have been much more relaxed without any grogginess. I talked about it with my family doctor, who my wife actually used to work for - so I don't feel he's trying to throw meds at me to get me out of the door. I am on half the dose I was on before, and it seems to be working.
It hasn't been all sunshine. I'm still slightly jittery, and am still losing weight (close to 40 lbs over the last couple of months). That has me worried, but the doc says it's not uncommon with severe anxiety.
I have done most of the program here, but at the exposure work is where I run into trouble. My work is constant exposure work, but it never flares up at work. My nerves get frazzled by the end of a busy week or day just worrying about my guys. Our activity is on the rise, and violent crime is up. I worry every day about one of my friends getting shot or killed. It's just taking its toll. At night, I sit and stew on everything. That's where all of my anxiety attacks occur - at home near bed time. How can I get exposure to going to bed? I'm not afraid of going outside, or grocery stores, or driving. I teach classes all the time - talking to crowds is like breathing. I get anxious, and I translate that into convincing myself that my body is trying to kill me. I know it's not true - except I have to realize the fact that eventually, it will. No matter what, my boy will fail me. I've seen lots of people die. It never really bothered me at the time, but obviously it does now. I put myself in their shoes. How will it feel? Will I be panicked? Will I feel like I do when I have a panic attack?
I need to try a different therapist and see if I can find a better fit than the last one. I need to figure out a way for my emotions and my logical part of my brain to meet. I can't unlearn what I know. I can't unsee what I've seen. I just need to find that happy medium of not caring and having more hope. I've spent my life trying to fight things that are trying to kill me. Doing everything in my power to fight someone stabbing me, shooting me, or otherwise generally doing me harm. But how do you fight yourself? Your own fate? Honestly, I don't know how doctors and a lot of medical professionals do it - watching people die.
But, I do feel much better now. The way I was feeling for about a month is gone. I'm back to genuine spurts of happy. I needed to do what I did at the time. To relax. I hope this sticks. BTW - my blood pressure and heart rate are down. That's nice. I had 40 lbs to lose for sure. Oddly, I was at my heaviest once I got off the meds a year ago. This is a good starting point - which is how I look at it. I need to pay more (or less) attention to how I'm feeling. I need to start eating more, and exercising more. I need to get advice on how I can do exposure work that relates to me and my condition. I'll find a way. But I came on here tonight to do a log entry because I was feeling anxious. It passed. That's good. Again, hopefully a good start. Stress, man. It's stressful.
