Hello Mfran, here's a prayer that my Dad liked that you may find comforting: The day was long, the burden I had borne Seemed heavier than I could bear, And then it lifted - but I did not know Someone had knelt in prayer, Had taken me to God that very hour, And asked the easing of the load, and He, In infinite compassion, had stooped down And taken it from me. We cannot tell how often as we pray, For some bewildered one, hurt and distressed, The answer comes, but many times those hearts Find sudden peace and rest. Someone had prayed, and Faith, a reaching hand Took hold of God, and brought Him down that day. So many, many hearts have need of prayer, Oh, let us pray. I do wish you well, Gerard

Thanks for the hug, boy i needed that. just a note, it's not a cultural thing, it's a political language thing, so i do most of my business in the english areas, but that's 100km away. no excuses, just a lot of driving. i took your advice and built a wood shed today for my wood. it was a challenge, but it kept me busy for a few hours. and i didn't think of my sadness. i still haven't got the courage to go for a walk, but soon the trees will be so green, the mountain will be too tempting not to explore. thanks again

Hi. I understand about language and cultural differences. However, please don't allow yourself to use that as an excuse for not getting help either. It would just fit too easily into the "I can't" scenario too. At the higher levels of education in Quebec students must be able to reference research papers and information (that are mostly in English), so a great number of doctors and therapists are bilingual, though at the intake desk, a clerk may not be. I know you're in a tough place at the moment, and I feel for you. You seem to be a productive person who has a lot to offer. From what you said, I presume you've been in fellowship programs and have numerous contacts. What sort of interests do you have? Please make a determined effort to hang in there by doing something positive for yourself today. Do you take walks? Even a simple walk for 20 minutes will raise good hormones and may help to elevate your mood a little. Challenge that "I can't" thinking. Allow yourself to do something for yourself. "It's ok for me to do something to help myself. It's also ok to do something for others." Be aware of negative thinking, and how it only facilitates downward motion in both physical and mental health. It's exhausting too. We carry on mental conversations with ourselves all the time. Our mine gets a thought and we reply. If that reply is negative and further feeds the initial thought, it's easy to get into a slump that's destructive. Hang in there. Take today to treat yourself in a nice way. Here's a warm ((hug)) for you.

Hi Anne Marie, Sorry about what you had to edit, I didn't realize i couldn't write that. it's just the truth that's all. i understand what you mean about "i can't" vs. "i won't". deep down i want to live a happy life, but i don't seem to be in a place right now where it is possible. I would love to continue writing and hoping to hear other people's opinions, feelings and hopefully caring words. I'm not finding those things in my life right now. i realize it's a long process, and up until january, i kept all of those horrible secrets in my inner vault, they all came out in therapy. it seems that the pain is on a higher level than my coping skills. although the "want" must be in there, the word "can't" comes out. i have a new therapist on monday and i'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on tuesday, hopefully the right balance of meds can get me out of this deep hole. i actually did go to an emergency centre near my house, i live in quebec, so everyone is french, communication was bad, so i just left. i just have to try to get through tomorrow right?

Hi, Mfran. Wow, what a heavy post, and yes, some edited portion of it was alarming. When people first come to a site, occasionally some unburden themselves and in doing so they "lay a heavy story." That is ok, providing it is not about self-harm, ok? I'm so sorry to read of all the sad events you've experienced. I know you feel some deep pain. I understand you are in a depressed place at the moment. Are you willing to help yourself, which is the premiss of this site? When I hear someone use "I can't" it sounds awfully close to "I won't", as if that person is not giving herself permission to take any action. You chose this forum, I presume because you are willing to challenge some negative thoughts? If you feel you can take some positive action, then wonderful. Moving forward is done a little at a time. We'll listen and perhaps offer some suggestions that may help you. If you feel you are in a downward spiral and are unable to help yourself at all, I urge you to go to the nearest ER, and as well notify your therapist.

Hi, I'm new here. I am 35 and was diagnosed with major depression. Since January I was on paxil, which didn't work, 2 weeks ago, I started Celexa and I'm on Rivotril for anxiety. I'm losing hope. The 2 people who insisted and persisted that I call them night or day when I feel like committing suicide have both let me down. I'm in therapy, which I don't feel is helping. To my best knowledge, I have been depressed since I can remember. Growing up physically and emotionally abused, molestation by a stranger, gang raped by an ex boyfriend and his "buddy", losing my boyfriend at 17 by heart failure, then my beloved grandfather. heroine, cocaine, getting pregnant at 24, losing my daughter at 7 months. getting a job and becoming a workaholic, working 6 - 7 days per week, drinking every night, i finally collapsed in january. i don't want to alarm anyone, but i'm getting to the stage where i feel so alone, friendless, like nobody wants to be burdened and i get into these uncontrollable states. I've told my doctor everything. I don't know how to stop. I'm crying constantly. Worse of all, the person who let me down the most was my boss/"friend" of the past 8 years, and i'm so confused about him, am i in love with him? or am i just seeking someone to care about me. i cry myself to sleep every night hoping not to wake up in the morning. every doctor, therapist, i'm even seeing a spiritual healer, they are all saying it will get better soon, i'm listening but i can't hear them. i'm blocked. i can't eat, i've lost 32 pounds in 3 months. i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. talking to strangers has always scared me, but i'm hoping that i can get some care here. i'm so upset. everyday seems to be my last day on earth. i don't know what i'm doing. does anyone have any thoughts? i feel like i'm beyond repair and my body is dying. i feel like nobody loves me, and that people who say they care and that i can rely on them, either don't have the balls to tell me they can't handle it, or they really are paying me lip service. i'm distraught. This message was edited by AM on 5-10-03 @ 8:22 PM