Hi, I'm new here. I am 35 and was diagnosed with major depression. Since January I was on paxil, which didn't work, 2 weeks ago, I started Celexa and I'm on Rivotril for anxiety. I'm losing hope. The 2 people who insisted and persisted that I call them night or day when I feel like committing suicide have both let me down. I'm in therapy, which I don't feel is helping. To my best knowledge, I have been depressed since I can remember. Growing up physically and emotionally abused, molestation by a stranger, gang raped by an ex boyfriend and his "buddy", losing my boyfriend at 17 by heart failure, then my beloved grandfather. heroine, cocaine, getting pregnant at 24, losing my daughter at 7 months. getting a job and becoming a workaholic, working 6 - 7 days per week, drinking every night, i finally collapsed in january. i don't want to alarm anyone, but i'm getting to the stage where i feel so alone, friendless, like nobody wants to be burdened and i get into these uncontrollable states. I've told my doctor everything. I don't know how to stop. I'm crying constantly. Worse of all, the person who let me down the most was my boss/"friend" of the past 8 years, and i'm so confused about him, am i in love with him? or am i just seeking someone to care about me. i cry myself to sleep every night hoping not to wake up in the morning. every doctor, therapist, i'm even seeing a spiritual healer, they are all saying it will get better soon, i'm listening but i can't hear them. i'm blocked. i can't eat, i've lost 32 pounds in 3 months. i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. talking to strangers has always scared me, but i'm hoping that i can get some care here. i'm so upset. everyday seems to be my last day on earth. i don't know what i'm doing. does anyone have any thoughts? i feel like i'm beyond repair and my body is dying. i feel like nobody loves me, and that people who say they care and that i can rely on them, either don't have the balls to tell me they can't handle it, or they really are paying me lip service. i'm distraught.
This message was edited by AM on 5-10-03 @ 8:22 PM