Jeff, I do not know how you talk to people, but your posts do not sound whiny or impotent. On the contrary, to me it seems that you are actually doing great and I think you should be much more appreciative of yourself. Like I said, I am off the medication, but only as long as I stay on the treadmill. Aerobic activity every other day is indeed the best way to have a healthy functioning mind. I aim for 5 times a week, but every other day is also enough to keep me balanced. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Okay than, there is nothing wrong with being a s***yard laborer, but I do understand that you may not feel fullfilled doing it. In time a lot of your past achievements will come back to you and I, for one, much more appreciate a s***yard worker than someone who has not job and is not trying, feels sorry for himself and sits on the couch. At least you are out there!!!!!! Do not look at other people's careers, houses, cars.....they mean nothing. Often people are getting sooo caught up in achieving more and better, but with that along comes the stress, the added responsibilities and the saveguaring, which all costs time and more money. To me that is an endless, meaningless circle which often leads to the heart that does not carry anything inside. I used to have a great career, I was good at it, made good money, had a car to match my wonderful succes, yet everytime I went home my heart felt empty and my resources were depleted. Now I am a mother and a housewife, I take care of my two kids, my 8 cats and my two dogs, my house and my yard. I still put in my best effort (like I did at work), no one is applauding for me or is looking at me as if I have it made, but you know...........every night I go to bed, I feel content and fullfilled. When I am ready, I will pick up a career that I truly like, until then, I am happy with what is. Happiness is overrated anyway........to me happiness comes as small feelings, like little islands throughout the day. I strive for contentment and nothing material can give you that. So, be a s***yard laborer for a while, see what is out there, give it the best you have, do it with all your heart and try to feel content when you come back home and your little girl is waiting for you. Play a little. Life does not have

It's a relief to be able to talk about this to people who understand. I've always dreaded talking about my personal problems. It made me sound whiny and impotent, something my estranged mother and I have both judged negatively. Yet, you understand. I have quite a project in front of me. I've taken the first step. E-mail is where I am an hour or two every day. Cyberspace is a logical answer. It is a great relief to read your replies. So far, I've been improving since I hit that scary, weird all-time low the first week of June. And these are what I think are helping: 1.) I have jogged 30 minutes a day faithfully, beginning the moment I read Andrew Weil discussing the benefits of serotonin reuptake inhibitors. At the end he said, offhand, almost as an afterthought, "However, the best treatment I know for depression is aerobic exercise, 30 minutes, five days a week." It hit me like a "conk" on the head. I am not very physically active, but the unpleasant prospect of running around gasping for air suddenly seemed a lot better than sitting on the couch and playing angry or self-defacing sound loops in my head. I couldn't put on my running shoes fast enough. 2.) Talking (E-mailing) about it to friends, like those at this support group. It was something I didn't even discuss with my oldest dearest friends, until now. But it is probably obvious to them, as they watched my career over the past 3 years go from a biosciences research lab to a s**** yard laborer position with a tyrannical boss. No offense, please, to s**** yard laborers. It was gloriously gritty toil, and probably gave me a lift as it was somewhat aerobic. It opened my eyes to a poignant subculture of homeless can collectors. But the disappointment and alarm played continuously in my head. 3.) It also helped to hit that scary all-time low, when I even lost my taste for vice-- that's when I new I was in trouble. My waking thoughts went from mere panic, desperation and obsessing over disappearing into the wilderness and away from the things of man, to a Twilight Zone of really dark thoughts, some worse than suicide. When I peered over the edge into the abyss, I knew it was the wrong direction. It shocked the senses into action. 4.) I've also turned to yoga faithfully, and several hundred mgs of St J

Poes, That was a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with us this evening. You are a very strong woman, and your are doing great. Your determination is inspiring. Thank you, Josie

Jeff, Welcome to the site. You have come to the right place. Please feel free to roam the site, and try our Depression Test, and Depression Program. Our supporters have had great results with both. Please continue posting anytime! Our supporters have excellent knowledge and support within them, and they are always there for you. Hope this helps, Josie

I suffered my worst depression right after I had my twin girls, whom are 9 years old now. When I see video's of that time in my life, my heart still aches for the woman in it. She is not me, she was a shell of me. My girls really helped though to keep me going. I mean, there is no way I could stay in bed all day with two little babies to take care of, eventhough that is what I wanted to do most. I had to keep going........for my girls. It is hard to see life get unbearable, ruining everything in sight. I know, it makes you feel even more quilty, more like a failure, people will say you are a loser (mainly because than they can look at themselves, thinking they are better, which gives them a quick and meaningless relieve from the hole in their own heart), and worst of all, you will feel like a loser. And the worst, the world is better of without me. Oh, if I could only shake you up.......!! We come into this world born happy, we belong here, nobody is here without a reason, a **** good reason. I know, we can not all be a ghandi, a mother Theresa or some other multimedia person, but we all do make important contributions to this life and other lives that are very profound. Go inside...there is a world inside of everybody that needs exploring. I believe, but I am not an expert, that depression arises when we are starting to lose ourselves, our real selves. We have done to long what was expected of us, we tried to please all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. That is not our fault, as children we often do not have a choice, but to use every tool in our little minds to cope with sometimes traumatic experiences. But we are no longer children. We have grown up now and often are taking care of our own children. Children that deserve a healthy parent, a good enough parent. We can take the control over our lives back, we are now in charge and as adults, we have adult options. One of them is to see yourself as a loser, the other healthier one is to see yourself as just another human being handling life. Maybe not always the best way. So what, the key word in the above sentence is human being, which means we are entitled to make our own mistakes. A million times over if we have to. It is all alright. Ask yourself, are you a good person? Do you intentionally hurt

A heartfelt thank you to all of you present who come here to this post with love and caring and a helping hand. This is my first post. I am probably a textbook case who just got so bad after the separation of my wife, I came to a mind- boggling new low. 42 years old and I am just starting to take some action. I've watched depression slowly disintegrate my life, family and relationships, and always tried not to acknowledge it. Now my desire to die crowds out everything else, and I must vanquish it! For I have one 8 year old (who lives with me) who is the most wonderful person I've ever known, and I have to continue being there for her in every way. We are particularly close, and my suicide would hurt her in unimagineable ways. I find it hard to believe in anything, but thankfully your words remind me that there really is a truth in the world: namely, IT DOES GET BETTER. I can't afford therapy or prescriptions, so it's my fondest wish to come here and maybe make a few friends, and maybe help out as much as I am helped. Jeff S

There is a way out of this. I am 37 now and, knock on wood, depression free for a long time. Does this mean that I am in total bliss most of the time. No, it does not, but I am medication free and have learned how to deal with certain feelings. How? Yep, by talking about them, all of them. You are writing you have not been in therapy at all. I have avoided that for the longest time too, yet it turned out to be the only thing that really worked. I worked with a psychologist that focused mainly on feelings, not behavior. A lot of the feelings came out, but more important, I started to understand where they came from and with that, I now hold the key to any emotion that may occur during the day. I used to feel like a failure, because I needed to be perfect at everything and I mean perfect. Now I understand that that is an impossible task and that I do not have to be perfect at all, on the contrary. I am today very happy with who I am and have became, because of my imperfections. Life gets better, much better. Medication often just numbs the feelings. I do not want to do that anymore, I want to feel all my feelings, they are my roadmap in this life, I listen to them now and take them very serious. Find a good psychogist that can truly help you, one you feel more than comfortable with so that you too, can find your authentic self and be so very happy with every part of your being. Good luck to you.

Good Evening Jim, You have come to the right place! Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. If you are interested in taking the test Jim, when you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your psychiatrist. If you have any question or concerns with our site please contact our Support Department at support@depressioncenter.net. We are the Support Specialist for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Looking forward to hearing from you soon and thanks for sharing your story with us today :)! Melanie This message was edited by Melanie on 4-10-04 @ 10:17 PM

Hello: I'm new to the forum. I'm 46 years old and have been coping with depression since I was a child. I've been hospitalized once and have had many, many "breakdowns" since then. With the help of my Psychiatrist, I took a medical leave from work and am now enrolled in an intensive day treatment program. I feel proud that I was able to catch myself before a breakdown this time. These have always been humiliating to me me in the past. I am very frustrated and have been doing a lot of processing today. I know that I need to take my doctors diagnosis seriously and start thinking of this as a disease, altho I'm still not 100% comfortable with that. One thing my Psychiatrist told me yesterday was that Depression tends to become worse over time if left untreated. I guess I've proven this with my own experience. Although I have been taking medication for ~10 years., I have successfully avoided any talk/behavioral therapy for the last 25 years, the time of my last hospitalization. I'd be interested in hearing from any of you who have dealt with this for years. I'm just beginning my recovery and I'm feeling a little shaky. The treatment program is like trying on new clothes- they may look alright but they're not exactly comfortable. The honest truth is that I have feelings that I am a failure. I've been through so many years with this and no real progress. I know-it's a symtom of Depression! I could really use some inspiration. I would be glad to hear of your successes. Right now, I can't imagine how I'm ever going to be able to return to work. I will keep the faith and hope to hear from someone.