I always feel bad, like no one can understand, and then I read all of your notes. It is good to know their are people I can talk to, but at the same time I'm sad for you for having to feel these feelings. It's so hard, sometimes I feel like I never know "who" I'm going to be. I never know if I'm going to get to feel happy, or atleast not bad, or if it's going to be one of those dark painful days. I wish I could hug all of you, and take it all away. But at the very least I can listen, and care.

Carry: I've just come from my appointment w/my therapist. I told her about not taking my meds & she nearly went ballistic. I had to listen to a 10 minute diatribe on how my medications work & that there have been people who had to be hospitalized for withdrawal. I didn't know I had other options regarding my medications. I have been feeling suicidal for the past three days & she told me that was because I stopped my meds. I also know that I am addicted to the Xanax and that my brain needs the chemicals I've been prescribed. I need to be on these medications until my brain begins to make them on it's own. Now I feel ashamed. My therapist said that I have to treat myself as if I were someone I loved. She said that I wouldn't have let this happen to my children & I shouldn't have let it happen to me. I'm so confused right now. I don't like being dependent on drugs but in order to recover I have to be almost an addict. I have to decide if I'm worth it. It just sounds so rediculous that I'm supposed to think I'm as worthy as other people. I'm so far down the food chain I barely recognize myself as human. I thought I was put on this earth to bring my children here. Now they're grown I don't have a purpose. I feel like I'm hovering in midair...no direction.

Carry: I wish we lived closer too. I'm sure we will meet in the future. We have come a long way together so we're destined to meet. I finally got paid & I got my prescriptions. I wasn't trying to do "without" as a sacrifice or anything like that. The situation required me to make a choice. I can't live without the insulin. In a way my choosing the insulin over the depression medications shows growth. Without the depression & anxiety medications I feel hopeless and out of control. Without the insulin I could have a heart attack or a diabetic coma. Most people think insulin is a cure for diabetes. It isn't. Diabetes kills by destroying the body a little bit at a time. I have a sister who is blind and cannot feel anything below her knees. This is due to diabetes. To put it bluntly; if I don't get hit by a bus I will die from complications of diabetes. Diabetes killed my mother and is killing two of my sisters. For some reason my father, who is also diabetic, only suffers from neuropathy of the feet. He's had several heart attacks and two open heart surgeries. He is one of the reasons I am in therapy but he is still alive to watch his daughters suffer. I chose to fight the disease because for once in my life I knew what to do. I am back on my psych meds and I can't wait until they begin to take effect again. How have you been doing? Have the panic attacks slowed down some? I've been meaning to ask you if it is one particular thing that sets off the attacks or are you like me and anything and nothing sets off the panic attacks? Last wk I had eleven full scale anxiety attacks. I have to come to the realization that I need the Xanax IR to keep the attacks at bay. I don't like being dependent on medications but until I can fix my problems I have to keep on the meds. Can you get your M.D. to prescribe anti-panic meds or does he/she want you to get your scripts from a shrink? Please let me know how you're doing.

Hi Barbara, I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time lately. And you're right... The depression feels worse when you're not feeling well. And when problems starts to surface.. seems like things are happening all at once and feels very overwhelming. Lately, I've been trying to get myself up by telling myself I've been through alot worse but made it through and this is just another bump on the road I need to work through. And that this will make me stronger. It's just so much easier said that done thought, right? *sigh* The goldfish died yesterday.. I took it better since I cried for about an hour or so the night before thinking he wouldn't make it through the night. My mom took it pretty hard as well. She asked me not to buy her anymore fishes. And that she doesn't ever want to have another pet. I wish you lived closer by... I think it would really help both of us alot more if we were able to just meet up for some coffee and talked face to face. At least we know that we're here for each other. And that's still a great comfort. Things will get better Barbara... As bad as you feel right now, I think you've improved a great deal since we first met. And I know you're having some fiancial problems but don't just test yourself when not feeling well. Do it regularly. Does your husband know you're cutting back on med costs?? Your health should come #1 priority. Please take care of yourself. And I want to say thank you..... I have many things to thank you for.. But biggest thing is is that you're with us. Sorry if I'm not making any sense. I'm feeling bit under the weather myself today. We love you Barbara....

Carry: I'm sorry about your fish. Unfortunately these things happen. Having three children I can't tell you how many goldfish we had. They're very delicate & unless they're the very expensive kind they can't handle change. But loss is loss & it still hurts. Since money has been so tight the only prescription I can get is the insulin. I only test my sugar if I'm not feeling well. You know when you don't feel well the depression feels worse. Well, that's what I'm telling myself anyway. I don't have any energy because I'm not sleeping well & I haven't seen my therapist in two wks. I keep telling myself that everyone goes through mulitple problems & things will get better. That's all I have the energy to say.

Hi Barbara... Seems like we're both going through some rough patches. I really hope that things start turning around for you. I bought a fantail goldfish for my mom couple months ago. It was doing great until I made the mistake of putting him with my betta fish. I made a divider to keep them apart but that didn't work too well. He got to the goldfish and did a number on him. Not too long after the attack.. He started getting sick. I tried so hard to get him better. I really tried everything I know. Going to websites with any information. Posting on forums for help.. Buying medicines. I even used a q-tip to apply antibiotic on the fish... hahaha..... I feel so awful. He's trying so hard to live. Watching him suffer so much.. He can barely move.. And I can see him trying so hard to just breath. It was like a flash back of the time I suffered alot. I cried so much. I've been having a bit more of a hard time lately with trying to let go of the past. I've just been having alot more panic attacks lately. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm getting too far from Him again. You and I both have been through worse. I know we'll get through this. We were able to get through all those hard times when we thought we were alone. But now... you know you have me and many other friends and I have you as well as friends... We'll be okay. I feel better just being able to let it out here. I'll talk to you again....

Carry: Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I had one of my granddaughters Friday. I can't compare my situation to yours but I think the feeling of not belonging is part of our depression. Even as a child I felt left out. To this day there isn't one situation I can name where I felt I belonged. I'm wondering if I should find a group I can join. You know, people traveling the same road. Since I work at home I don't have much contact with the outside world. I feel very lonly but I'm not comfortable going out. So far the business isn't doing very well so I haven't been paid since the 2nd wk in January. I know things are going to get better soon but right now I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Hi Barbara, Wow.. I didn't realize it's been this long since I last talked to you here. I'm doing.. "well" as far as I can see. Of course, I still haven't gotten rid of the small panic attacks. I'm still having them from time to time. Other than that, I think I'm making progress. Actually... I think I had a bit of a break down couple weeks ago.... Couple weeks ago, I went to the gym after work. It gets pretty crowded during that time. I've been driving around for few min and started following this one guy to his car. I had my blinker on and waited for him to pull out. As he was pulling out, another car from the opposite side turned the corner. She saw me waiting with my blinker on. As soon as that guy pulled out, that other girl stole my spot. I was so ANGRY. I mean REALLY ANGRY. I honked at her but she didn't even bother looking. I'm sure she knew I was ****ed. She ended up walking in front of me. And I said it in a loud enough voice, "you f*cking b**ch..." I'm sure she heard me.. but she didn't turn back. *sigh* I don't know why that ticked me off so much. I've dealt with worse but never reacted that badly to it. Actually... I'm still pretty ****ed off about it even now. I was actually going to scratch up her car when I got out. And I would've if she didn't leave before I did. -_-; I think I still have ALOT of anger to work out. I'm sorry that I'm ranting so much. I've been under some stress lately because we're down one man in the office. But we've hired someone couple days ago so he'll be working starting soon. After he starts, my work load will be bit lighter. Then maybe I'd relax a little more. haha... I hope you're doing better Barbara. And I don't think writing excessively is a bad thing. Is it? Doesn't it show that you just have alot to let out? And I'm glad you got to talk to a K-A (Korean-American). I kind of know what she meant about feeling like being on another planet. I had somewhat of a hard time adjusting myself. It haven't been very long since I felt somewhat comfortable where I am. I remember when I first visited Korea after moving to the states. Not feeling like I belonged.. I had hopes that I'd felt more comfortable back where I was born and live for the first 8 years of my life. Turns

Carry: It's been a while since we've heard from you. How are you? Have you been keeping busy? Is everything ok? I honestly hope that you are so busy being happy and taking care of yourself that you have little time for anything else. Please just drop us a line letting me know you're ok.

Carry/Kitn/Jasmine/Jonathan: The expression "Depression is anger turned inward" is from folk teachings I have read. I think it truly applies to me because I have always hated myself. I know now that my child mind did this to protect me from thinking my parents didn't love me. Children can't accept they are not at fault for their parent's behavior. I took their abuse and anger and turned it on me. Much of my confusion comes from the ambiguity of my own behavior. My children have told me I am a good mother. My mind tells me I'm not worthy of love. How can someone be a good parent and a bad person? At this point in my life I am afraid of my own anger. I am afraid of what it will do to me. I work harder at avoiding stress then I do my own therapy. My therapist says that I am running from the devil I don't know. It is safer with the devil I do know. I still don't have the motivation to make changes. I have garnered the skills to quiet the hateful voice inside. I am bored with living in my head and I have to find the courage to continue on this journey. This site has been a powerful force in my life. Carry/Kitn/Jasmine have helped me through terrible darkness and I hope that I can be a helpful, supportive friend to you Jonathan. Please let us get to know you.