Hi Barbara,
I didn't realize it's been over a week since I checked back with you. My Christmas was good. Got to spend some time with most of my family. They all liked the gifts so that made me happy. But I've been getting small panic attacks as well. One minute I'd be fine, then out of no where, I'd feel so... uneasy and.. well.. I'm sure you know what it feels like. Everything was fine until yesterday. My dad and I got into an arguement. Of course, it was concerning his brother. The one I had that big fight with. I haven't spoken to him since. Actually, I wrote him a short letter apologizing last night before I left for the gym. Quite honestly, I didn't want to. I don't feel as if I said anything "wrong". I did alot more exercise then I'd usually do to let out some steam because I was angry with myself for apologizing when I felt I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still so angry with both him and myself. Before, when he was mad at me, I'd feel so nervous and uneasy. Trying to think of way to get him not to be mad at me. But now.. I DON'T CARE. He always acts like such a jackass when it comes to his family. He thinks he's the sole reason that our family is doing well. IT'S NOT!!!! I'm trying really hard to keep my opinions about his family and him to myself. *sigh* He's my dad. And I do love him. But I swear, when it comes to his family.. I just want to beat the daylights out of him. I want him to suffer.. I know it's wrong to feel or even think that way. I don't think I've ever been this deeply and seriously angry with him before. I have a feeling this fight will last a while. But you know what? I don't care. I've already tried to reach a truce. But he doesn't seem to want it so why should I try harder? Especially when I feel I didn't do anything wrong. Sorry for being so negative. I know you're having a hard time too. Seems like we'll be ending 2004 in a struggle. But there's still hope. Lets both of us try to start out the new year in a positive manner...
