I've been in a very bad place mentally for about 3 weeks. I had my therapy session on Monday which ended up being very confrontational, a valid therapeutic method but not very comforting. He was saying that I can choose to like myself just the way I am and believe that I am OK as is, or I can try to change the things I don't like. The only thing I could think was "what do you think I've been doing for the last five years?"
Please understand that I respect my therapist and truly believe that he knows what he is doing. He has never let me down. But I felt rather betrayed. Finally I asked him why it mattered to him whether I lived or died. (We were debating suicide.)
His answer -- because it's my job and then he added, because I like you. You are a nice person and the world needs nice people.
But all I heard was - because it's my job. I have spent five years in therapy with this man. I don't have a crush on him or transference or any of that gobblety-gook. I respect and understand the boundaries of therapy. However, I can honestly say that in spending five years in therapy with him, I have come to care about him as a human being, in a very different way than traditional friendship or love.
Five years he has listened to me, laughed with me, comforted me, and sometimes confronted me and made me look at things I didn't want to see and yet I have not really touched him. If I am so wonderful how can this be?
I know it's semantics. But if he had said - because I care about you or because you are a special person or something like that...but "it's my job and you're nice?"
Understand, I don't blame him. He was honest as always. But now I am even less sure that I want to keep fighting to stay here. What's the point if in the end it doesn't mean anything?
