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for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1890

Hi CraZ,

What do you mean when you say that "they are negative about what's causing my depression" ? How so? Is it that they just fail to understand what your MDD is??

Good to hear from you again, by the way... I'm not as regular as I want to be on this site as I'm committed to Stop Smoking - the sister site and I'm concentrating on that to help

get more healthy physically and thus relieve my MDD also!!

Patrick

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 2

craZ,

I know that you posted this a while ago, and I hope that things are looking up for you. I too have a very supportive family, however, I can no

longer talk to them about my depression or what is causing the depression. They want to support me and by doing so they are negative

about what is causing my depression. Unfortunately, it does not help but make things worse.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1890

craZ, Well, I sat down with my wife last night and asked her to drive me to an Aquafitness class once or twice a week at night. She said "Yes! Of course". Now I have to find such a course. And buy a pair of swimming shorts. Patrick

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1890

craZ, Listen, I'm going to do something that I have been avoiding doing for months. I KNOW that I should be in aquafitness classes for my arthritis but I haven't done it because I'm dependent on my wife to drive me around. So, I don't go anywhere except shopping with her on saturdays or out for a meal with her. But, now, having read your lastest posting I am determined to ask her the dreaded question: will she drive me once or twice a week to the aquafitness classes and wait for me or come back to pick me up in an hour? I have hated to do that because it will be in the evening after she's put in a hard day's work and is tired. But I have to survive and I NEED to exercise, right? So, thanks for reminding me that I too should practice what I preach. I will ask for the support I need. Patrick

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 14

Thank you for your support Patrick. I am fortunate in the support that I get from my family, I just find it difficult to accept sometimes. Even my children are supportive. I haven't totally explained to them what is wrong with me, but I don't lie and say that I am fine if I don't feel well. Often times when I am feeling irritable, I will catch myself being short with them and I will apologize and let them know that although it has nothing to do with them, I am running short on patience. They seem to understand, and give me a little more room to breathe. When things are really bad, they bring me glasses of ice water, blankets and kisses. Although they seem to be handling it well, I don't want my depression to hurt them - that is why I sometimes consider leaving them. I really can't ever see myself leaving, but it scares me that I sometimes entertain the thought of it. I have talked with my husband about wanting to 'leave' and he was very emphatic with me that that would not be the best solution. I don't want to let him down anymore than I already do...so I'm almost positive I'll stay.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1890

CraZ - you're not crazy at all. And your husband married you because he loves you deeply. Your children love-need-you-ARE-you in essence. How could they be better off without you? When you are frank with your kids and your husband about your illness they will work better with you to ease the pain. One doesn't get bred and irritated and angry with a loved one who is suffering from an illness. Yes, there are moments of grouchiness and fatigue in them with you but that doesn't alter the fact that they need you to get well. You say 'professionally' so I'm assuming that you hold down a job as well as a family? That is both brave and strong; you're not a weakling but you do need support. You have to rely on your family to understand the repetitiveness of MDD and that you'll be saying the same things about how you feel over and over again. The repetition does not lessen the reality of the state, does it? Sorry for the blithering here but I want you to know that, in my opinion, love is as much responsibility as it is romance and constant giving. So what if you need more given to you than you are capable of giving right now?? As depressives we try to live by the same behaviour rules as non-depressives and we educate ourselves about our mindsets in the expectation that we can improve our skills at 'fitting in' - what's wrong with educating our loved ones in the realities of the difficulties of that task. We can't live without their understanding and patience.

for 17 år siden 0 +0 / -0 14

Suzy: I can totally relate to the self-sabotage. I think most people that know me would be shocked to know that I have MDD. Professionally I appear very confident and capable. I actually find it physically painful when people compliment or admire me because I am secretly dreading that they may find out that I am not what I appear to be. There is a constant battle in my brain between rational and irrational thought and it seems that more often than not the irrational side wins - an irrational thought by its very nature cannot be rationalized. As far as the CBT goes, this is not my first crack at it. My last therapist had me join in a CBT group that she was running with 5 other women. All of the other women had anxiety issues and I was the only one dealing with depression. There is no doubt in my mind that the tools that were presented to me could help me, but I didn't put in the time on the homework that I should have. I was embarassed to share my feelings in front of the group because I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and a great job, so I didn't feel that I was 'entitled' to be depressed. I wasn't committed to helping myself. This time I committing fully. I have to change. I feel that I am wasting the best years of my life and lately I have been feeling strongly that my husband and young children would be better off without me. I really appreciate your support. It is very comforting to share my feelings with someone who is experiencing some of the same things that I am. Keep in touch.

for 17 år siden 0 +0 / -0 8760

Hi Suzy, Believe it or not, fear of remission is more common than you may believe. You don't know who you are outside this illness and fear of the unknown can be scary. Don't be too hard on yourself. We take it one small step at a time here, giving you plenty of time to adjust. And don't forget, if you need to talk about it, we're here. In answer to your question, the answer is yes. Before we can change behaviors, we need to understand the underlying contributing factors. The Sessions of the program will get you to start taking a look at your core assumptions and beliefs about yourself, those around you and your world. Again, this is done in a progressive fashion, taking one baby step at a time. For those of you who may be looking for alternatives to medication and therapy, you may want to discuss alternative therapies with your doctor. Changes in lifestyle with regards to physical activity, pleasurable activities, sleeping patterns and diet have also helped many and our program will guide you through this aspect as well. In closing, please do not hesitate to ask questions or give us an update on how you're doing. There is strength in numbers and your story may help someone else who reads it. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

for 17 år siden 0 +0 / -0 29

CraZ, I've never used one of these before either. But I'm not getting any better and am looking for ideas, anything that might help. Maybe I share some of the same sort of feelings as you. Partly, I can't help but feel that my support network inevitably has to get fed up with the ups and downs of me, never knowing who they will be with - the happy me or much more often the depressed me. They can't rely on me. I am a burden, and I hate that. I have read a lot about this illness, and talked to Drs, and explored meds of all sorts (prescribed). While I know that this is an illness, it feeds off of one or two episodes from my childhood that I cannot, or will not, let go of. I find myself aprehensive about starting the CBT program, not because I think it won't work, but honestly - because I fear it might. And then I will have to step up and be a whole person without this illness to fall back on. You know the army slogan - be all that you can be - well if I get better then I will have to step up and be all that I can be, and that idea scares me. And I find this very shameful. Right now I would rather disappear off the face of the earth, than live another day. I have nothing to look forward to. But I've been here in the dark pit often enough to know, or believe, that this will pass. If not tomorrow, then maybe the next day. I just have to hang on. What I really don't understand, is why someone otherwise thought of as being very intelligent and respected, is sabotaging herself this way. And I don't really know if I can fix the problem until I understand the why. Will the CBT help with that? I've rambled. Be brave CraZ. Talk to us. Someone else has been where you are. We can help each other.

for 17 år siden 0 +0 / -0 8760

CraZ, Welcome to the Depression Center and to our group! We encourage you to begin working through our CBT program and utilizing the instant messenger as well as the mood tracker. We also encourage you to take some time and read through present and past discussions. There are many experiences that may help you in your journey. The support group is here whenever you need it, as often as you need it. Feel free to ask questions, participate in threads or start your own. We hope to hear from you again soon. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

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