MAT,
Thanks for joining and posting such a succint introduction to yourself and the pain you're feeling right now.
I'd just like to say that you're on the right track with taking the meds and not fearing the so called stigma of "having to take something to cope with this depression I'm feeling. Jeez, I must be weak..." I still marvel at the fact that there are psycho-tropics on the market to deal with chemical imbalances over which we have not much control. It doesn't end there, of course, we have to change our life-habits to avoid behaviours and thinking which slams us into that black hole of depression. Cognitive behaviour therapy is the way to fight back. And, this programme here is a great way to get going AND it lets you yak away at your fellow members who really understand what it is you're feeling and suffering.
When a member here says that they "feel crushed today" I know that they're not talking about feeling a bit blue - the consequences of that slide beginning with feeling crushed can lead right into a deep black hole that family and friends can only guess at where we can hear the alarm bells going off right away.
Getting hammered doesn't deal with the pain; mornings after are even worse and god only knows who you devastated the previous night. That kind of self-medication only leads to re-hab in 10 yrs time. If you're crying on and off you should be talking to a grief counsellor or trying to read up on depression and grief; do you even see what it is you're grieving over? Is it you and perceived 'failure' of the Self? Have you lost loved ones or even 'hated ones'? Is it a generalised 'hopelessness' which feeds on hopelessness? If your boyfriend himself isn't capable of manning-up to your distress then he is leaving you alone in a desert without shade, isn't he? Does he have a clue where your pain lies? Does he care? Maybe his job is to 'party-on' while yours now is to make yourself the only important thing you have to deal with. Make yourself and your health what's most important in your life; make it your sole job, hobby, goal. Mind doesn't exist without body; mens sana in corpore sano and all that... if your body is unhealthy then your spirit will sag accordingly. If your spirit wants stuff which the life you're leading now can't provide, then find out where you can get what your spirit needs.
First off, let the SSRIs or whatever you're taking do their job and then ride that wave into areas where you will get support and understanding. Just because you're a swan with pure black feathers doesn't make you NOT A SWAN; you are completely a swan, just coloured differently. Make yourself swan-up.
By the way, you're never 'tripping' or 'rambling' here on this site, and the acid-days are finished and you don't have to be even a little bit Messiah-like to live here or in your head. You're already living in mine right now. What's wrong with that?
You're so smart I really hope that you come back here and talk some more.
Patrick
