NullPointer & Panda What is the underlying fear? Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

Following the thread of parties one the last functions I went to some old friend said "How are you?" and I replied "Well things haven't worked out the way I planned I haven't achieved the goals I set for myself and a lot of the time I think of killing myself." That pretty well ended that conversation.My solution has been to isolate myself to the point that there is no party invitations. This was about 20 years ago and my isolation has been very successful.I suppose That I'm quite lonely but I seem to fill up the days.

Yesterday I talked with a woman who looked straight into my eyes. I thought that she was interested in talking with me and I did talk a little bit, but quickly I was at a total loss of what to say and I felt so stupid that I cut it off. I wish I didn't because I think talking to people would help me feel better. It's kind of funny that I want to have friends, but when someone seems to be genuinely friendly that I'm too scared to accept it.

Hi everyone, Great discussion! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. Fellow members, feel free to jump in and let us know how avoidance is affecting you, or how you are doing if you have been able to overcome this concern. Casey ___________________________ The DC Support Team

Hi Gang, Wow, very thought provoking. I also am avoiding social situations as people you dont see very often when they ask how you are they really dont want to hear our sad story. So what do we do if we do get out? we put on the smiley face and say o.k. thanks. For me I try as much as possible to avoid the supermarket just in case I bump into someone that knows me. The situation gets more and more difficult and I avoid it more and more. I also think they will find me dull and boring. I am very short, people look over my head anyway. I truly am invisible so why dont i take the bull by the horns and get out there. Its because I'm afraid, but working on it. Thanks Danielle for bringing this to our attention

One of my greatest anxiety triggers comes in the following scenario: I go to a party (already anxiety-provoking). An old friend or acquaintance corners me and asks "What are you up to these days?" That's it. I'm desperately back-pedalling trying at once to save face by making my miniscule life sound like something meaningful and fulfilling to this person, whilst in my head the great judge has proclaimed his sentence: FAILURE! And I know that I am making an awful job of presenting a positive face to this friend. They know I live a small, lonely, isolated life, that I have no career to speak of, no relationship to boast about, no great holiday anecdotes or jokes about the boss or heartwarming stories about the kids. And what's more, as I'm trying to present a facade, I know that this in itself is a problem because I should be less self-conscious. But what do I say at a party with the music blaring and the drinks flowing? That I've been struggling lately with the monumental task of washing my dishes? That I've been so down on myself for 10 years that I haven't been dating lately? That I've stopped trying to get anywhere in life because I always find a way to sabotage myself? Sometimes it's tempting to do just that. Enough with the shallow smiles and reassuring by-the-by's. But nobody wants to hear your sob story and it's a sure way to greater humiliation and to further isolate yourself. Catch 22. That's why I avoid parties or anywhere I may run into old friends and acquaintances. I've never been good at the spin that seems to be the common coin of such social gatherings. No matter how long my sleeves are, my heart still shows. I have tried many times to expose myself to such situations. Sometimes I don't have a choice. But to be honest, if I don't go to the party, I beat myself up for a day. If I do, the beat-up lasts a whole lot longer. I run through each and every humiliating conversation ad infinitum until I'm exhausted enough to finally get some sleep, and this can take days. I will continue to try but until I have some better tools to deal with this I know what to expect. What comes first: the social confidence chicken or the self-esteem egg?

Madara, I'm so glad your finding the programs helpful! Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand together. Yes, exposure work can be difficult and scary but it can yield fantastic results in the end! Very proud of you for pushing through your anxiety. It's not an easy thing but you are proof it can be done! Keep up the great progress! Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

I trully agree with you, Danielle. I was escaping my "unsafe" places for some years and it led me to depression. Now when I have learned the tools of panic center and know that I have to do exposure work to the places I want to avoid(it's soo hard but it's soo much worth doing it) I feel much more a "normal" person, more confident of myself and able to live at least a more productive life that I lived some time ago. Thank you for these great sites! They have helped me a lot!

Members, When we avoid things, we miss out. As you probably already know, escaping the situations you find yourself in when you have a panic attack can lead to other problems. Problem 1 Some situations are more difficult to avoid than others. For example, many people have a specific phobia to snakes. For people who live in the city, having an extreme fear of snakes is not really a big problem. If you live in a city, the chances are you’ll only find a snake at the zoo or pet store. However, people who fear being at home alone, being away from home, being in open spaces, visiting shopping malls, traveling over bridges, or riding in public transportation have a much bigger problem because these situations are common. For someone who lives on the island of Manhattan, a fear of bridges and tunnels may mean that they can never leave the city. Problem 2 Escaping and avoiding situations works well to reduce anxiety in the short-term. However, in the long-term avoidance makes things worse. The problem is that escaping and avoiding works too well. When you escape or avoid a situation you get immediate relief - as soon as you escape, you begin to feel better. The result is that you learn to be really good at escaping and avoiding. When you think about it, not dealing with problems isn’t really what you want to be good at. Problem 3 The more you avoid, the less you’re able to lead a full, happy, and productive life. As a result of escaping and avoiding you don’t do a lot of things that most people enjoy, such as going out with friends, driving, going downtown, going to a movie, going to a park, going to a sports event, going to concerts or museums, relaxing at home alone, or going away on vacation. Problem 4 When people aren’t able to enjoy life because of their avoidance, they beat themselves up. People with panic disorder and agoraphobia usually say that escaping and avoiding makes them feel better in the short-term but much worse in the long-term. As soon as the immediate relief of avoidance behavior wears off, people usually start looking back and blaming themselves for not being strong, good, brave, or smart enough. In the end, avoiding and escaping leads to feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and less confidence in their ability to challenge fear. The end result is negative thoughts about the self, the world, and the future. This often leads to depression. Are you experiencing anxiety? How are you coping? Let us brainstorm solutions together! Danielle - Bilingual Support Specialist