Hey, Prue, Just to let you know that these contretemps don't last forever - I emailed my sister after we cooled down and we're pals again... Patrick

Good to hear from you Prudence and Dumpling... well, Prudence, you got through it anyway. I went to my niece's baby's first birthday party a few weeks ago and my head started to pound after an hour of sitting there so I left.. Deals like that have always given me stress and turn me from being a smiling man into a teeth grinding neurotic. Like you I have been chopped up in phone calls and emails for my 'coldness' my 'distance' and my, 'hypocrisy' ( hypocrisy from my sister because I "obviously don't love" them ) - useless to explain about depression - my sister (a psychologist!!) tells me that I have to put up a show even if I feel like death warmed over... Huh! Some grasp of the illness she has... I'm not apologising for my depression to anyone again... That's it! Keep your head up Prudence. Do whatever makes you feel better in this illness... you own your life... Patrick

Glad you are still out there. Sometimes invisible friends are the best kind.

Sorry for the cliffhanger. Wrote a reply, then internet crashed. Thought I saved it, but no. I'll try to retell best as I can... First to reply to your last post, Patrick, I was coming up with a bunch of excuses why confronting my mother would not work, But I resolved to give it a try. Came home with that in mind and my mother is talking on the phone about this friend who wanted to get a divorce. Their problem: his wife had severe depression and her behaviour had changed. My mom says, "Well, it's a kind of crazy." Hmm, I decided it wasn't the best time for me to confess. Maybe I could have "set her right" before, but I am such a coward now. (Next day, leg injury and lots of painkillers.) One more day to go, then, "What! They're coming today!?" Fast forward to time they're supposed to arrive and then add two hours before the first arrivals--which helped. Because there were a lot of people, I wasn't so bothered for conversation and it helped that none of my family chose to pick on me. I'd gone to my room when talk turned to politics. As other people began to arrive, I went out to greet them. Said, "Hi" then "Bye," turned around and went back to my room. Okay, that was weird and I silence behind me. After an hour, went out again. It went a little better then. More people, some I could feel comfortable around. Mostly, I spent time harassing my younger cousins. Ate really fast. Some people were hurt at my distance. Forgot one of my uncle's name, couldn't look him in the eye at all. I pretended not to hear sometimes. Moved--limped (an injury is a great help)--aimlessly around a lot. (Can't remember all the details.) Since no one likes to drive in a Canadian winter, people left early. I was really happy to see them go. So how was it? It was painful, very very painful. They didn't gang up on me but it wasn't comfortable. It wasn't a total nightmare, but it didn't get to the point of being okay. (That was pretty much what I'd written a long time ago, but since then, that day has become depressing: Everything I thought people would say/complain about was said, just behind my back.) But the best part of the whole experience was this new feeling I had of being supported. Each time, I retreated to my room, there was another tip to try before I could give up. It gave me a certain buoyancy to know that there were people who understood what I was going through and wished me well. It was really nice. Thank you, invisible friends.

So, Prudence, how did the 27th January dinner party go and the 60 person bonanza just after it?? Tell us about how you wangled your way around that anxiety-fest? Was it as stomach turning as you imagined or was it just another shindig to endure?? Patrick

Hey, Prudence, I have a huge problem with 'controlling' people. I hear what you say about your mother hosting the show, and shades of bossiness in 'kicking' you out of the kitchen to 'converse' with the mob... and I think where does all this muscleing-in on you come from? Where is your freedom to say "Okay, Yes, let's have it in my house" or " No, Mumsy, not this time - I feel like I cannot face that much activity"??? Where is that gone? Mind you, I learned how to be Bolshy during the 60's when my generation wanted to slough off all the values of it's parents - so, maybe my mindset is still a tad on the aggressive side even after all those years... Patrick

Thank you all for the replies! very supportive. [b]Dear Confused[/b] I see the events going one of three ways: one, have an anxiety attack; two, disassociate; or three, my meds miraculously give me a big boost and I'm perfectly fine. I've already begun having symptoms of an anxiety attack. My main fear is being afraid--I get scared to death around people--literally my mind thinks they could possibly kill me. That's not very pleasant and very hard to sit through and talk yourself down from. My mother is hosting the party, but the whole family is expected to attend. It's in a few days, there's really no getting out of it. There isn't much disappointment involved--I wouldn't even feel terribly guilty for not being 'myself' for them. My mother has said "You'd better not behave this way." She doesn't know, so she's forgiven, and I can tell myself that there would be no lasting consequences. But now, it's started to be really hard seeing my mom with a knife (when she's cutting food). I think Bill Clinton did that indexing of people he met too. That's a little freaky--but I think maybe I should try that, so I'm not so confused during. I think I might also try writing out some conversation beginnings. Thanks for your advice and good wishes. [b]Dear Daily Llama[/b] Open concept home. I like the idea of canceling. Maybe I'll come down with the flu or feign sickness. I will cozy up to a sick person. What's horribly disappointing is that a month ago, I was looking forward to it, because my 'normal' me likes entertaining. :( "bloody funeral": very apt. My nightmare resembles the French Revolution mob scene, guillotine and all. Thanks for your reply. [b]Dear Brassin[/b] No, five more days to go. I don't know why it was decided to be at my family's house. I didn't expect it--but I had no say. How I wish I had an enclosed kitchen, but no. Interestingly, that is what my mother does whenever she's hosting, sticks to the stove and keeps cranking out more and more food--kicking me out to converse. I will try the flitting from one person to another, keep moving. I wish I could think of someone to bring--it's prom all over again :blush:... Thank you, Brassin. Thanks as well to Sylvie (I will make myself do a relaxation exercise) and Danielle for prompting replies. I am open to any other suggestions. Anyway, I'll tell you how it went, it's bound to be funny.

dear Prudence, I hope it isn't too late to respond. My family causes me so much anxiety part of the reason I moved across the country was to get away from them! Try as I might, I can't avoid them forever and from time to time I have to make an appearance/phone call. I'm not sure why you are obligated to have this function as your house, but since you are (or feel you are), there are a few things you can do to ease the discomfort. Since you are the host, you can keep yourself busy with numerous things. The kitchen is your friend. You can spend a lot of time there prepping. It sounds like there will be quite a few people there and you can easily avoid getting into too deep with any of them by being the perfect host and spreading yourself thin with all of them, making sure they've got drinks, enough to eat, comfortable, etc........... I know when I host a party of any kind I rarely get to talk with anyone for any great length of time. I think you are right to buddy up with someone. It would help if they were someone you could at least partially confide in; you would at least have an extra pair of sympathetic hands and you may not feel so anxious about people discovering your depression. It may help you not feel so alone. If you don't have anyone you feel you can share that with, then at least having someone at your side might help distract you enough to complete the tasks at hand. I had a huge anxiety attack while I was preparing Christmas dinner before my guests came, and it really set the tone for the whole day. I spent the whole evening in the kitchen! Luckily I had the misfortune of having my oven break down so I was on constant turkey watch...........A disaster turned out to be my saving grace. I'm not sure if any of this will help (I'm hardly one capable of giving advice to others on how to handle family) but it at least will let you focus on the shindig itself rather than who will be there.

Hi Prudence, I'm sorry to say that my strategy when I was in a depression and couldn't bear chit-chat with family was to be there for the Hello and Lovely To See You stuff and then split for the bedroom or into the scullery to pretend to do any job at all to seem busy and concerned that the party was going well. You might stay as busy as you can in the kitchen also to avoid the horsepuckey at the table.... In my adulthood I have cancelled my own dinner parties 12 hours ahead of the appointed hour.. not so much these days but I was adamant that I wouldn't risk further bumbling into depression by hosting what would have amounted to a bloody funeral! I never used drugs to 'ease' the stress of family stuff because the one time I did try it all I saw was an even weirder picture of their antics....more anxiety

Confused, Thank you so much for your great suggestions. I'd also like to add that we are all human and mistakes happen, we should learn from our past mistakes and not dwell on them so not to worry if things don't go exactly as you may of hoped. I also really like the idea of practicing relaxation techniques. Look threw the information on site for some great examples! Do any other members have any suggestions? Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator