Wildcat, Thank you, thank you. I was feeling so miserable and then I read your posts. I laughed so hard I woke the dog up. Eliza

here are a bunch more for a sunny day... "I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting." ~ Robert A. Heinlein ~ STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND --------------------------------------------------------------------- Stress Management Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now, feeling better? --------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist: "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say: "Thank you for sharing that with us." --------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. --------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The staff have the keys! --------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A Freudian Mother-In-Law joke: "My mother-in-law is so ugly, I wanted to kill my father and sleep with my sister." --------------------------------------------------------------------- I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? A. To prepare them for the bill. --------------------------------------------------------------------- What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please." --------------------------------------------------------------------- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the psychiatrist who claims that 2 out of every 1 of his patients has a split personality? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'" --------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one from sticking his finger in the live socket. --------------------------------------------------------------------- How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey! are you following me?!!? --------------------------------------------------------------------- How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? -Just one, but the light has to really want to change. -Just one. And his mother. -Just one, but it takes nine visits. -None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready. -"How many do you think it takes?" -"How long have you been having this fantasy?" --------------

What is Normal? I can't answer your question but I can help you diagnose them...this is from DSM-XV, not yet released but I am working on it...I am almost done categorizing the main disorder. Okay here it is: Diagnostic criteria for NPD: Normal Person Disorder -A chronic feeling of normalness. -A tendency to bore others easily. -A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal. -Lack of difficulty getting organized. -Inability to be humorous. -Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to. -An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by. -Highly stimulated by lectures, speeches, dead cockroaches and other normals. -An unbroken remote control. -A To-Do list which gets done. -A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than a week: **Job **Relationship **Schedule **Patience **Passing Grades **Sex **Normals -A methodical nature. -Affectionately known as "Bump on a log" or "Nytol Substitute"

30 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram. Make a list of things that you've already done. Dance naked in front of your pets. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife. Pay your electric bill in pennies. Drive to work in reverse. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during that important finance meeting. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail. Tell your boss to blow it out of his toupe and let him figure it out. Polish your car with ear wax. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room. Braid the hairs in each nostril. Write a short story using alphabet soup. Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. Make up a language and ask people for directions to vW/{KoY(d[WkY. Brought to you in jest by Pendulum...

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep" "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "He who laughs last, thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Have you drugged your kids today?" The following From: "Bryan White" (wchslightman@hotmail.com) "You're just jealous because the voices talk to me." "I do what the voices in my head tell me to do." And one that I made up--at least I think... "Just because everyone's out to get me doesn't mean I'm paranoid." or "I'm not paranoid, it's just that the world's out to get me." or (from Kurt Cobain by way of Jamie Napier): Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++= 1-800-PSYCH Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Thank you for all the positive suggestions! It's great to put things into perspective! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Attainable Affirmations -As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. -I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. -I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. -I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. -In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. -Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. -As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. -I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. -Joan of Arc heard voices, too. -I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. *When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. *The first step is to say nice things about myself. *The second, to do nice things for myself. *The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. *As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. -I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. -Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!" -Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute... I'll find someone. -I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. -I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace -Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. -Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. -Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha." -Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." -Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. -While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. -Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. -Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. -Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. -Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. -Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. -Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." -Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. -Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. -Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. :p

. :p . The Bipolar Home; A creation of Mindspin Corp. The designers at mindspin Corp. have developed a selection of homes created especially for the manic-depressive homeowner. Our goal is to meet the sometimes peculiar, but ever so unique needs of the manic depressive, so they may truly feel like a KING IN THEIR OWN CASTLE. Some of the features to those in manic state are: -A fully stocked china shop; complete with bull suit. -Collapsible walls. Just kick them in, and pull them back out. -A pick ax, gardening tools, ironing board, and 100 page to do list, are all conveniently located in one small room. This allows the manic homeowner the ease of starting everything at once without accomplishing anything. -All the clocks have their hands and numbers removed. -Parking is accessible by either conventional garage or launch pad. At Mindspin Corp., we understand the special needs of the depressed homeowner. Here are some of the following built in features: -The Bipolar Home is completely self cleaning. -All mirrors are built on a 180 degree swivel, which enables them to be turned into the wall. -Medications and sharp objects are in cabinets with adult proof safety latches. -For an additional association fee, Mindspin Corp. offers an on-call service whereby our representative will come to your home to answer the door bell, take phone calls, and make important decisions for you such as, "Which outfit do I look uglier in?" -Feeling down because those loved ones have gone on vacation and left you behind? Your Bipolar Home has the solution. Simply go to the closet and pull out your Concerned Loved One Blow Up Doll. That's right; just inflate the doll, pull the cord, and your Concerned Loved One aimlessly repeats, "what's wrong with you...what's wrong with you?" Stop by and visit with a Mindspin representative today. We're here for you. :p

Thank you Wildcat for sharing with us! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator