You certainly know what I'm talking about. I love my daughter and wish so much better for her, but I've come to realize that I'm unable to do that for her. She likewise expects us to do everything for her. We even spent time telling her WAAAAYYY before she ever grew up that she would be expected to do certain things once out of school. We would try to get her to think of her future but she never did. We worked and worked to find her summer jobs etc. She did not put much effort into anything. It was like beating your face against a brick wall. I tried her with a counselor for awhile, but when we moved here she refused to go anymore. She is hard headed and bucks everything, even what should be obviously good for her.
My husband blames me because he says I "just didn't deal with her". But he fought continuously with her and it sill got us nowhere. She is much like her father and I can't say I'm able to deal well with him, so maybe it is what I did with her. The dynamics of their issues combined with mine don't mix very well. I feel awful because I feel like I've missed something that would have made a difference and my husband must think so too or he wouldn't have said that.
I'm trying to be strong and honest with myself about these situations, but I also feel very left out of the mix as far as any understanding on anyone's part of what this does to me. I just feel like I'm expected to perform and make everyone happy and when I don't I have to hear about it. I don't feel like I've been given any "benefit of doubt" And it makes me feel like such a failure.
I have been there, believe it or not! I am 36 and I have had that responsibility of having a spoiled teen in the house. My 1/2 sister is 8 years younger than me. When se was 10 my mentally-deficient mother did not have the tools nor strengh to deal with her and she was given to our grandmother to raise. Well grannie had a bag of carrotts to direct her and used these at EVERY turn. Our grandmother died 3 weeks after a stroke and I got to care for a 15 year old spoiled brat while I was finishing my BAA and working 35 hours/week and planning my wedding.
I had to teach her about budgets and how she fit into one (she thought that all the funds we got as foster parents would be handed to her! every cent) . I had to teach her the value of an education (my grandmother was of the 16 off to work now generation and never approved of my university studies). I had to give her basic desipline. She thought she would go to school part time and party till hours of the day and night.... Boyfriends... My house nearly became a bordello! And she bucked at every demand and rule and to this day I still tease my husband with "whhhyyyy meeeeeee" (bull in a china shop reactions).
At 21 years we found he an appt. We moved he out. We wished her the best. Whenever she would whine we would whine back ...for her ... no money for party, games, movies... and we had ... no time for fun nor sleep, sick baby, budget / dipers / meds, .... It was hell. Then she hooked up with an almost decent boy and want better place and its expensif!!! well sorry we can push boxes but no other resources... and I even stopped listening to the he doesn't talk to me about romance and feelings and he doesn't like my games .... and what do I do for...??? more teeth on the table!
I wish I had found this site long ago. Perhaps I could have been able to help her sooner. I guess I need validation for how I'm handling things. I feel guilty because I don't miss the hassel of her being here all the time - it doesn't seem like the way a Mom should feel. I guess it's warranted given that we really don't have a relationship other than her dependence on me. She really doesn't have much to do with me unless she's getting something from me.
At least my other daughter and I have made peace and I was able to set some boundaries with her. I helped with her wedding and am pleased at the responsibilities she had taken on. She's really grown up and I'm proud of her for that. I hope in time this one will do the same. Time will tell
I think it will but as it has been said, you'll have to stand tough. She's not a little girl anymore and maybe if she has no choice but take responsibility for herself and her financial affairs, it will push her to grow. You may feel guilty now but remember you're doing more for her now than a few dollars ever will. Once she does start to get on her two feet, you can help her along but on your terms. For instance, you can cook a big meal and freeze her some or send a care package of groceries once in awhile. The idea is to reward the good behaviors but not in a way that it will foster complete reliance on you.
Thanks for responding. I have such a problem with the tough love stuff. I am such a doormat/push over and didn't understand that I was possibly enabling her instead of helping her until recently. I divorced her father when she was 7 and both she and her older sister use that divorce against me (taught by their father, the abuser) I am not sorry about getting the divorce but I am sorry that the girls had to go through what they did. My shame based identity made it difficult to do the tough stuff. I feel so inadequate and like such a failure.
My daughter does have a job but it's not much of one, we have been trying to facilitate her in her job quest since she turned 16, and tried to prepare her for it well before. It's been tooth and nail ever since. We also tried to get her to form plans/goals for her life after high school. With the way she went through school there's not much hope for her to go to college. If she wants to do that she'll have to find a way to do so. It would be money flushed down a toilet for us to pay her way, there'd be no return on the investment (She went to private school K-12 and it got me nowhere).
My daughter just left here as she spent some time with me today, I took off this week to spend time with my son instead of a sitter. My nerves are plucked, I can't harp on her all the time but it was like I had two 9 year olds with me. It breaks my heart. I have tried to share some of the recovery stuff I know and tried to remain loving, but I have told her that I cannot/will not be giving her money. She must find a way to support herself. All the while I feel guilty, but know that if I don't stick to what I have said she will never get a clue.
I have to have her over when my husband is not here because he is that fed up with her. I am not sure what will be able to bring them together as family. My hopes and dreams always seem so unrealistic and yet I'm only asking for a peaceful loving existance. Will my search ever pay off?
Here's my two cents worth, Mom3. Don't enable her by giving her money, paying her rent, buying her groceries etcetera... if she is not disabled then let her go get a job..... if she's really too sick to work then she must go see a doctor or psychiatrist and commence the paperwork necessary to get a Federal Disability Pension. She could go to her State Employment Center and if there are no jobs available maybe she could get some money to live on while she trains for some skill that is on offer there....
Feed her with information and resources in HER community. Make it clear to her that you cannot keep supporting her "do nothing" lifestlye. Let her know that you're willing to go with her to a Mother-Daughter counselling session but that you will need for her to share the cost of doing so ( she has to GET a JOB)! Don't be moved by the guilt-tripping - it's all just tactics on her part to weasel the money out of you...
Tell her that she's 19 years old!! She's a woman. And if she doesn't feel like an adult woman then she'd betterstart figuring out what that means to her and start to get a grip on it....
There's love for her. And she knows it! Where's the love from her? She could start by being grateful to you for having brought her into the world and for making sure that she got to 19 with an education and a healthy body....
I'm of the Tough Love School of rearing children. Fair, honest, above board communication at all times ( in your case, between one adult woman and another adult woman who happens to be her daughter)..
She wants financial support while she continues to do as she chooses. In essence she doesn't want to grow up. When she was living here she didn't want to contribute to the family or household at all. She felt she was grown up and didn't have to listen to anyone, much less follow our household rules. She moved out with her boyfriend while we were vacationing at the beach - to give us a much needed rest from the situation. I don't need to tell you that the vacation was not one for me or my husband. Another trip we took prior to that one I had to send her to my parents house to alleviate problems. I wish I could have done that for the second one also.
Once the boyfriend situation broke down she wanted to move back. I only allowed her to because I wanted to give her a chance to get back on track. I had her sign an agreement of household rules and from the moment she walked back into the house she began to challenge everything. One of the circumstances of her return was that this was not an open door policy. Needless to say things were awful and ended up with her packing up while I was at work one day.
She has since hinted that she wants to come back but I will not give in. She can go to her father's, he is part of her problem and he needs to be the one to pick up some of the mess. (another long story). My husband and I have struggled and struggled with this problem and since she's not his real daughter you can imagine the stress it must be causing him. He's the finest man I've ever met and after all he's been put through he has a right to expect it to calm down.
She tells me she wants my approval. I have told her she needs to search herself to try to figure out why she has to "buck the system" at every turn. When she is able to stop making the same bad decisions over and over again she'll have my approval.
I spoke with my daughter yesterday. She keeps telling me how she doesn't get any support. She's 19 and has moved out of our house twice under VERY strained circumstances. Getting her through to graduation was a HUGE chore and became worse when she turned 18 and graduated.
I know she has issues, but I'm powerless to help here because she won't help herself and keeps making very wrong, very nad decisions. She keeps saying that everyone keeps bringing up her past mistakes and that she's "ruined her life". She says similar things everytime she calls or sees me.
This time and last contact I have been putting "the ball back in her court" and told her that she mut examine herself and identify the reasons why she makes the decisions she does. I suggested that she journal as that can be helpful. I did not take on the blame and shame game she plays with me. (She is a carbon copy of her father's personality and it's totally frustrating, She's frustrating and it's like dealing with her father so I'm at a loss. Help!!!
