Sorry, folks, I'm a terrible, terrible man and I've taken far too long since my last post. Been busy, though, looking after the old folks. First my partner's father was in hospital for ten days, then mine had to go in for five days. They are both okay - nothing serious thankfully but as the only one of my family living nearby and having a car, I've been driving to and fro the hospital a lot, and been quite tired.
In myself - well, I'm still a bit better. But feel sort of flattened emotionally. I think it's the antidepressant pills. They have helped with my blackest moods and my pit is not so deep now, but they also seem to make me a bit dull, like I'm dwelling on a plateau. Does that make sense? The lows are not so low, but the highs also are not so high, to put it another way. You know, I still feel like I'm a raging mass of resentment and undirected anger, but I no longer rant and rave at myself in my head as I did. It's like that's been turned off somehow, and that is good, but something valuable has gone with it. I suppose everything has its price. I certainly don't want to be taking these pills for ever, but for now I think the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
I'm seeing my counsellor again for the next few weeks which is helping, and next week I'm seeing a psychologist for an assessment. Let's hope they don't decide to lock me up (!) I still have the occasional 'weird-out' when I feel detached, light as air and at the same time heavy as thunder. A sort of meditation. A connoisseur's appreciation of these bizarre feelings, these novel urges, swilling them in my mouth, getting a taste, and spitting them out.
I wouldn't tell anyone else this stuff. Not my counsellor or the psychologist I see next week. Certainly not my family. But you're such good wise friends here and I'm sure you understand I'm okay really. Just old Pete being weird again. Perhaps I just took too many drugs when I was young, and now I get the payback.
Well, I am fine fine fine .I'm just hypersensitive to all my moods and thoughts. Isn't that part of the therapy, to be aware of what's going on in my mind. Just sometimes I think this observation and over-awareness pushes things to the forefront and amplifies them, when maybe we all have strange stuff bubbling through the backgrounds of our minds all the time.
I'd better leave it there. I'm getting inarticulate. Rest assured I'm fine. It's horrible cold here, and Christmas is coming. Bleurgh! Get me through Christmas and Winter, and I shall emerge in the Spring, my wings all shiny, colours so bright they shall hurt the eye. Let's have faith in that.
