Thank you all for your posts. It is comforting to know I have a group to communicate with, and no Wildcat, I don't have a problem with answering your questions. While I have never been good about vocalizing about things, writing has a way crystalizing things in my mind. As for medication, my attitude has changed quite a bit. In the begining it was a necessary evil. Something to take to make me well and to get off once I was well. After my second major episode it was something I should not need once I got well( a relative term). After this last episode, I view it as something necessary to keep me alive, just as a heart patient needs medication to fight the discease, even when they are feeling good, because they never know when another attack may come or what exactly is going onside their bodies. Like I said the last episode really scared me because i came so close to actually completing the act. As for my view of therapy, it seemed liked my therapsits were very passive. In both previous cases I was highly motivated to get better. While they made suggestions, it always seemed like I was out ahead of them. I did alot of reading , at the library and on the internet, on depression, physical and mental causes, treaments, etc. I had my own recovery plan in place after the first visit and they were never able to keep up. That is why I said, they just seemed to say" Good job, keep it up". I don't know if this would have changed if I would have stayed with it for alonger period of time. In the first instance, I was told I was CURED! In the second, I was told i was ready for the world again and then after being terminated by my employer at the time, it was financially unviable to continue, and like I said I didn't think I was getting anything out of it. As to now, I just don't know, this just seems to ad to my confusion as to what way to turn. As to STRESS, one of my problems is that I have extremely high expectations of myself. I have the skill to be successful in a variety of situations, I figure out what it takes, focus on those aspects and it works, however each success instead of validating my efforts, just seems to raise the bar higher and higher, until it gets so high it seems to be impossible to reach and I end up wanting to just give up. When I was younger, I fought thru it, because I had kids, responsibilites, etc. Now that my kids are grown, it is harder and harder to continue. I am the point now where I would like a very simple job, but feel guilty, because I know I am capable of so much more.As to suicide, at the time, and this is what really scares me, it seemed like a very logical and loving choice. My future prospects seemed non exisitent, my ability to take care of my wife in the future seemed to be limited to nonexisitent. I knew I needed help, but did not know how to go about getting it or how i would be able to afford it. Plus I had already made 2 previous attempts which had ended in faliure. the way I looked at it, we were in an area where my wife was surrounded by family who would comfort her and she would get over me eventually and my life of failure would be over. Luckily, like I said, her phone calls let me know how convoluted my thinking was and I came home to get help. What is the source of my pain, I could you could say fear of failure. How do I get past that? That is what I am trying to figure out. I have tried to become a faithful Christian during all of this and they say God has a plan for everything, but I have a hard time figuring out where the plan is in what is happening to me!
the gang has gotten used to me and just ignors the worst ones - right 
