I've finally got to spend the day alone.  It's been since November 11th since I've not been around people all day.  I am accustomed to being by myself.  I like it!  I've enjoyed today, computer, watching tv, napping, ordering pizza (I need to go to the store, but I didn't want to be around anyone today), played with my dog.  And now as night has come, I dread tomorrow.  I am not returning to work but scheduled to go to dad's house and work on cleaning things out.  If I were working, dad would have called me to make sure I was up and I would chat with him, know the weather for the day and let him know what is going on with me and my son.  If he had seen my son, he would tell me about his visit.  A daily ritual for 2 1/2 years.  I'll miss that in the a.m.  I'm trying not to think about it.  Set my alarm for later in the a.m.  Pretend it is not a weekday.  I knew that "grieving" would have to kick in sooner or later....I've been so numb from exhaustion.  I just dread the adjustment without him in my life. I dread  having to go through everything - mom's stuff is where she left it when she died 2 years 7 months ago.  Dad never moved it.  You know I want their stuff because it is from both sides of the family going back to my great, great grandparents. Family is so important to me, so I want to keep those things from my heritage, however, I think I'm afraid to go out there and see my parents not there.  Time changes things, I don't want to go through all these emotions, I just want to get them over with, feel the emptiness from the place they left and accept it.  Have the memories that are all treasures.  Remember the good times, forgetting the bad.  I'm already projecting as next weekend would be my weekend to cook for him and what am I going to do with the food I don't eat that is in the fridge that I cook for him.  I won't have something to occupy my weekend for 4 hours.  I need to follow my own advice and take it one day at a time, but my mind wonders, my heart aches and my tears fall.  Thanksgiving was different, Christmas will be different.  Trying to figure out new things to do, so it won't be so obvious that they are not here - is that possible?  Thanksgiving was okay, but it's not like you can forget that they aren't there.  I guess I was kidding myself when I thought I was doing okay.  Cause I ain't okay right now.