Ok so where am I right now...
Well first, sorry to disappear again. I fell off the face of the world again. After that high I crashed pretty hard. But in a way, it helped me put some things in perspective and figure some things out for myself so it wasn't all bad. I also have trouble sticking to anything lately.
Well, I have been obsessing about organizing, purging and cleaning my house. I have little energy to do it though so it is painfully slow going...I work in little pathetic spurts if I work at all... Hubby helps though when he has time and energy for it after work. When he is helping things get going though! The master bedroom is 99% done! When I am not cleaning or organizing it is hard for me to rest and relax and not feel guilty or obsess about what I should be doing. I guess I just really need my house organized and functional for me. My house has always been a mess and so my life is messy. I need some peace of mind and some functionality to my life! So hubby is humoring me and helping out. My mom and him say I am nesting lol. In a way I guess I am. I am making myself a home of my own for the very first time in my life. Before I always left it up to chance or others... So hubby let me spend a ton of money we don't actually have on new furniture! And it is so pretty too and functional with lots of storage! He didn't get mad or anything. He even said we can repaint and he will let me pick all the colors I want, however I want it! And next year we might have new flooring put in. In the meantime he said he will shampoo our carpets! I can't wait for this house to be done! Bags of things have already left the house, whole bags! And more will be going! The paperwork is what I am dreading most. But once it is done, ah the freedom. So that is one of the things I have been up to.
Also my cat has been sick. And let me tell you he is not easy to care for. Giving him his pills is a nightmare, I am covered in scratches! But he is better now and back to being sweet so all is well. The several hundred dollars in vet fees were harsh though!
I have also been dealing with biological clock issues. I have always thought I do not want children and would not have any and my hubby was perfectly happy with that as he is not sure he wants some either. I always felt I am too neurotic and messed up to have a kid. I am just afraid I would make him as screwed up as me! Plus kids terrify me. I am always afraid to break them or mess them up. That and the fact they feel like weird little aliens I don't quite get... Half the time I don't even understand what they say if they are like 6 years old and under... SO, I always figured that Diva as a mom was just a BAD idea...!!! BUT, lately it seems my ovaries have been sending my brain crank calls...I am hormonal and teary and baby oriented... and completely terrified. I have lost my mind! I don'T even want kids so why do I want kids?
Plus, I am on tons of meds which I am stating to think I should not get off of. So isn't it irresponsible to even consider pregnancy? On top of it, I AM being irresponsible. I am not on contraceptives and my hubby seems to be in a "risk-taking" mood... Wow, I feel like I am losing my mind and don't know what to do about all this. On top of it I am starting a doctorates in September what am I thinking? I have been acting nuts over this and going back and forth and crying and wow, I feel like a mess! I am feeling even more neurotic then usual!
On top of it, I have been dealing with issues of another sensitive nature. I am not even sure I dare discuss it here as I am afraid of being judged... I have been dealing with issues of sexual identity, not to be confused with issues of gender identity. I am female and happy to female and intend to stay female. Not that tr