I am sorry to hear you do not like cutting back on work but it might be just what you need to catch your breath and figure things out for yourself. I did not like stopping school this year but I needed the rest. Now I only work parttime and I do not go to school. And although at first it really bugged me, now I realize how great an opportunity for growth and taking care of myself this year is! I am working hard, I am just working on me! Maybe having more time could be just as beneficial for you too!
As for the Bipolar label, I know it is hard when new diagnosis or label are given to us. I have learned to use label and diagnosis just to help docs know how to help me and what is worng. The rest of the time I just think of me as me without all the labels. I am me with my particular set of strengths and challenges and whatever other labels people want to put on my are irrelevant. You are you, precious and beautiful and uniquely wonderfully you. That is all that counts.
And eventually you will feel better and go back to work as much as you want. In the meantime, be good to yourself. We are here for you.
Cammy,
You have been sick. You have after-effects of that. You are not crazy. It is time for you to take care of yourself, figure out what you can do to get better. The work thing will get better in due time once you are better! First things first!
Goofy and Cammy, everything I have heard and read points to the fact that depression has some serious effects on concentration. I know it did with me. It is one of the problems that causes the downward spiral. You can't concentrate because you are depressed, so you can't do things you did before, which in turn, just frustrates you and you get more depressed. I was told in the beginning not to try and read for more than a half hour. It takes time to get it back. Hey you wouldn't try to run a marathon if you just broke your leg? We have to understand that even though we don't see the physical manifestations, there are things going on in us that take time to heal. Enjoy small victories! I know it is harder because mental illness is not recognized by many people(including ourselves) as a legitamate illness. I have gone thru the same thing as you are going thru a couple of times. It takes time but you will get it back.
Why do I feel so unmotivated to work? I work from home, but just can not do the work I am supposed to be doing. I feel "lazy" yet not lazy, dont really understand. I feel guilty because my spouse is working her "backside" off and I truly thank her for that, and I wish I could do so much more.
Saw my doc this morning. I am being sent for more bld work to try and find the cause for things going wrong. There are also 3 suspicious "white" spots on my front left hemisphere. Thats where I have always suspected something went wrong. Anyone else who has had brain damage(injury) feel different after? Sometimes I second guess myself and think that I'm "crazy" and making up excuses to avoid doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
HI GOOFY. just think you will be labled with good company .
seriously, there is a big difference because some anti-depressants can cause you to cycle-rapidly or go out right manic! The mood chart or an agenda/journal!!! will help to tell if situations are pushing your moods or if for moods are influencing how you see the situations at hand.
take care of yourself! the reduced hours will let you get a hold of all this stuff and really get back to the work you love at 110%.
Taking time off work or reducing your hours is probably best if that's what the doctor suggests. Good for you for taking the innitiative and bringing your depression test and modd tracker as well. Have you been completing your homework worksheets?
Members, please share you experiences with these medications with Goofy.
Okay, I've been talking to my therapist for about a month about my ups and downs. He was thinking I was working to much and overwhelmed and that my returning to full-time this week was pushing it. I called my pdoc and talked to him about extended it. He did but wanted to see me today. I went in. He said he thought I was BP not MDD. I've been taking 400 mg of lamictal and now he's added Abilify. We discussed geodon (spelling?). Anyway, I told him I didn't want to be bipolar (nothing against those with the diagnosis) but I want to be MDD with ups and downs. I mean I just got to accepting the MDD and working to get my family to accept it. I don't feel that my ups necessarily mean BP. I mean maybe that is me getting back to normal and the agitation is my not being a doormat (my former mode de operandi). However, I know the lows are getting lower.
The pdoc put me on 4 hours per day five days a week. some issues since my father died, I'm responsible for taking care of my grandmother since dad died and taking care of his estate, personal issues and just feelings of being overwhelmed. I have also been talking with my therapist about these ups and downs that have been going on the past month. He thought I needed to document this for the pdoc but it wasn't realistic since I saw the pdoc today. I did take a copy of the depression test and my mood tracker, etc.
I'm rattling again. But I'm quite upset about not working but 4 hours per day, adding more meds and the bipolar thing. Though I know a label is just a label and I'm still me.
So anyone ever taken lamictal and abilify together? I wanted to post this three different places - but here it is as it pertains to work, too.
I asked my boss about specific situations that occurred on the day I was "in charge" and since I'm not a supervisor of the people who supervise the consumers. He saw where I was "caught in the middle" on some things. He said well, "I would..." and I said I understand that you would, but what is appropriate for me....He said he would think about it and get back with me and also talk with the supervisor of the people who supervise the consumers. (wow that's confusing as hell). Anyway, I also told him about the supervisor indicated above asked me to e-mail her some things I did make decisions on (part of my job description) and usually I've just told her before to inform her. However, I just sent my boss a carbon copy of the e-mails I sent her so he'd be aware I was making decisions and informing her of those. (she shot herself in the foot). He is also her boss too. She is in a power struggle with me and I don't have any power (lol). I can only laugh (to myself) but I told him the rudeness was not tolerable and he said when it happens come talk to him.
While I was off work with the dad situation, they took a class that I was teaching away from me (hey, I work there, I'll do whatever they say). They asked me how I felt about it and I said okay. She doesn't want the class and wants me to go with her to the boss and tell him that I want it (I am relieved I don't have to do it and was suprised that I was relieved) so she can tell him she doesn't. I told her "I don't have a dog in this fight". I do what they tell me, if you don't want it, you take it to him. I was polite and in a nice tone of voice. I think this is what has angered her. If they tell me to do it, I will. But I'm not questioning their decision.
My job description is a resource facilitator - I am not supposed to be teaching, I can work on curriculum development (which I like more) as that is justified as a resource for the consumers. Anyway, I think that is why she was mad. But I also learned to day from some of her employees (they volunteered it) that she was quite ill with them today....so maybe I am just personalizing all this.
It can often be difficult for us to understand some of our own actions. You posed a number of important questions in your post. Ask yourself why you would be making things harder on yourself. How does this contribute to your negative core beliefs?
Continue to challenge these negative thoughts and perhaps try replacing each negative thought with a more positive and supportive one. Does this sound like something you would find useful?
you're on to something. why don't we deserve the best life has to offer? quick pathetic story to illustrate: before i met my 2nd husband i always washed the floors down on my hands and knees huffing and puffing away. he bought me a mop and asked why are you making it harder than it has to be? why do i? do i deserve to sweat or am i only good enough when i'm working too hard
I guess one way is to get to the bottom of why we don't feel (negative core beliefs) as if we deserve these high marks in terms of work. The depression part and assessing where I am on that scale is more of a conundrum for me. My therapist and I are going to rate me independently after I identify the characteristics of each scale score. See if we match and I'll have to "justify" my rating. Do you think this will work?
Sometimes I talk and think myself in a circle with the depression >negative core beliefs > outcome >negative core belief >depression > etc.
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The mood chart or an agenda/journal!!! will help to tell if situations are pushing your moods or if for moods are influencing how you see the situations at hand.
