BPD for me is complete emotional chaos, sad to anger and back again in the blink of an eye, very little happiness but alot of confusion. There is paranoia involved because you believe people are thinking things or saying things that are negative to you, even though they may not be. It is like living in a world where no-one understands you because you cannot understand them, even if you clearly present a question, they seem to avoid the question and talk in circles and you never seem to get a clear answer.
There seems to be alot of invalidation of emotion on the part of my health care providers or complete avoidance. Some seem to make me feel as though I am wasting their time and not worth even being there. Some say the answer is to leave my husband and then all my problems would disappear. I don't understand the why of this and I probably never will, every relationship has ups and downs and seems lopsided from time to time but to discard a committed relationship will not completely make my problems go away.
I don't know who I am, because I am so much to everyone else and I need to find a way to find out who I am. Ahh to win the lottery and go away by myself for a month to figure everything out would be nice, but not realistic.
My hubby and I have been together for over 20 years so unstable relationships, I am not sure, but it is much easier to avoid those relationships that cause excess emotional upheaval when I feel that I am not a valid part of the relationship, ie, friends and family and health care professionals who say you shouldn't feel that way, or get over it and then decide the conversation should be about them and all of their emotional baggage.
The Survival Guide that I am reading is very helpful and I am beginning to understand a little more about BPD but then again one size does not fit all so I am having to weigh in other factors while I am reading the Survival Guide. On top of BPD I have depression, anxiety and OCD which may complicate things, if I can ever find a treatment, or a qualified BPD therapist. It is very frustrating and at times very lonely, when you feel that no-one can understand you or where you are coming from.
Some view BPD patients as manipulative, we are not manipulative, just very misunderstood and we try and try and try to get our thoughts across and our actions may seem like "cries for help or just another attempt to get attention" when in fact we are looking for ways to release some of our inner pain (such as self-harm, anger and avoidance) and we do not have the skills or ability to release or cope with these emotions in any other way.
So in a nutshell BPD is the inability to regulate emotions in a manner accepted by society, as the norm. From what I have learned, 2% of the population has BPD, BPD is often mistaken for Bipolar Disorder (due to the mood swings, which can be broad, but the duration of which is not quite as long, Bipo's have extended periods of manic episodes and depressed episodes, people with BPD tend to go from baseline (for me sad) to angry to sad in a matter of minutes (again very few ups or good times)), BPD is not usually "just BPD" it is usually coupled with other disorders, such as PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD etc. But this is not to say that just because you have PTSD, Depression or any other disorder that you automatically have BPD or vice versa. Mental health is not an exact science, and I believe (from what I have learned) that mental health is both a chemical imbalance/misfiring, whatever and partially life experience.
Wow, I read this over a couple of times and I seem to be on the ball today, I hope it is clear to everyone else who reads this post. If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to post them.
Thanks
