Well, I am in a downward spiral again. Over the weekend, I fixed the steps (took off the rotten wood and replace with new wood and brackets and screws, did laundry, went shopping with my daughter, dropped off cheques for my brother-in-law, run run run all weekend long.
I thought yesterday after sleeping in, not getting the kids up in time, driving one to school and drive away and get a call 3 minutes later saying she had a field trip I needed to drive her to, spent 1/2 hour looking for her class and then went to the eco station with my son's old bed (my son got a new (semi-new) bed over the weekend he is so happy), spent $20 to get rid of the stupid thing and making the usual apologies and blah blah blah.
I thought I could get beyond the sadness. Well not exactly what happened. I sat at my desk furious that I could not concentrate, getting dizzy, and doing my best just to be able to answer the phone without sounding like a drunk. To boot, my husband calls my cell phone, just as I am about to leave work to see if I called his dippy do surgeon for some paperwork, of course I hadn't so
I felt even worse because that is one more thing I couldn't get done.
Driving home, all I could think about (and cry) was just saying screw it and grab a few things (medications, clothes, blank and books, and a little bit of money) and just leaving them, my husband, my kids and just not going back home or to work or to anything, just being alone where no-one expects anything of me. Then I get to thinking about how hurt they would be and then I cried more. I am not hormonal (that's over and done with this month). And I went home and made supper, my son wanted to take his new laptop in because it didn't support Itunes, fine he didn't eat the supper and I dropped off my steam cleaner at my dad's and picked up his empties (for my daughter so she has extra spending money), visited outside with him and my husband and my daughter. Went to pick up a few groceries, had planned to go to bed early but didn't get home until ten, then I had to take my anti-depressant's and wait an hour to take my sleeping med's which didn't work last night, I tossed and turned and felt restless all night, I cried, I sniffed, I blew my nose, but felt like crap all the same. The thoughts of leaving were more intense.
Of course, I am exhausted today, but I made it to work on time. Still having a hard time concentrating, my lips still hurt and look awful (it's going to take over a month for them to look better and start to get back to normal) the antibiotics make my tongue feel like it is doing a slow burn, with sandpaper, it is bright red now (apparently this is one of the side effects to my antibiotics) and everything tastes poopy, coke tastes like sugar and salt, popcorn tastes like salt and baking powder, chocolate, tastes like wax, sugar and salt. Ugghhhh I just want one sane day where life is normal, not too much, not too little just a nice balance somwhere in between. Now my daughter is sick and I have to witness wills and then pick up my daughter and start a new circle of chaos.
whew!!!!! I'm done.
