okay, I'm in a dating relationship for about 3 months now. I really like the guy, but I seem to be overly anxious about the future of the relationship. I'm not in love. I like him, we have alot in common, he understands depression and I've been going up and down for over a month. It seems when I am with him, I'm less depressed or at least it's easier to put on a mask and put other things out of mind.
I mentioned in another post on one occasion I tried to sabotage the relationship, but he and I worked through that. I was thinkin' "I don't deserve this."
That is not what is going through my mind now. What is going through my mind now is handling the rejection if the need arises. We both have said "take it one day at a time". I agree with this, but am having a hard time doing it. I keep focusing on the negative and how will I handle it. I keep trying to have positive thoughts about how I could handle it if it happened, visualizing me "going on" with things. However, it's not keeping the anxiety at bay.
I don't think this is why I am having my ups and downs, I've got another personal issue going on right now and an adjustment to my son and his family, after a brief stay here, moving into my mom and dad's old house, complete with renovations. It's hard to see them staying there, the renovations, but I am so happy for them and that the house stayed in the family. I know my parents would be happy about that too and dad had an opportunity to express that before he died. Anyway, fighting the hormone thing, too. And trying to adjust to an empty house once again.
Back to my friend, he lives about 2 hours from here and I've been going down there. I like getting away from here, seems to ease the anxiety/depression just being in a different environment and helps if I need to put on a "happy mask" (the old fake it 'til you make it" philosophy I have. He wants to visit here. I did not clean house for the two years I was depressed. The carpet is all stained and I have some minor repairs that were neglected during that time too and obviously since then as well as they are just now getting done. Anyway, he's seen my place, understand the depression, but I am still embarrassed about how "unkept" things appear. He says it's okay, but that doesn't stop me from being embarrassed. I don't let anyone in the door unless it's my son and his family. They helped me get the house in as good of shape as it is in, before they moved in. lol, they didn't have a choice or live in filth.
Okay, I'm rambling.....just all this anxiety and the depression waxing and waning a few days up and a few days down. (down, means sleeping and trying to avoid). thus far, I've not gotten to where I don't make myself go and do. I am proud of this. But it is a struggle and an argument in my mind to make myself go. My son is pushy too (lol, in a good way).
Any advice on how to deal with my anxiety re: the male friend? or anything else mentioned?
Thanks for listening.
