Uh oh, I have been thinking again, I am in one of those obsessive moods at the moment. I have just figure out that yes, I have been depressed for the majority of my life, my depression worsened when my hubby got injured and the downward spiral of events that occured after that.
Due to lack of finances and my doctor pushing the "healthier lifestyle, different food, more exercise, quitting smoking etc." I quit smoking, attempted to exercise more and change my diet. I made the majority of changes over time and thought that the worsening depression was just my life situation. When I quit smoking, 292 days ago, I did so because I didn't have any money to buy another pack of smokes to make it through the weekend (yes, I only smoked 10 - 15 smokes a day, but they were good). I enjoyed going outside for a cigarette (+40 or -40 it's all good), I enjoyed going for a walk (rollerblade or bike ride) and having a cigarette, I enjoyed going for a drive and having a cigarette, I enjoyed gardening and having a cigarette, I enjoyed talking on the phone and having a cigarette outside, I enjoyed going out for drinks and dancing and smoking. I see a pattern here, things that I enjoyed doing at one time were enjoyed with a cigarette.
Now when I attempt to do these things that I once enjoyed, I get angry, exhausted, more depressed. I believe it has something to do with not smoking, I have given up on the diet and exercise with a modicum of relief from the depression. To think about it, I led a "healthier life" when I was smoking, I ate more fruits and vegetables (now I crave anything greasy, salty or sweet), when I smoked, I exercised more, because I had to go outside to do this. Now I hide in my house and cannot find any enjoyment with extra physical activity.
Don't get me wrong, I now know that I can handle anything without having that cigarette, but it doesn't make me feel any better physically or emotionally not having that cigarette. Somedays, I just wish........
I know shut up and just put up. Thanks for listening
