I know that I am probably wallowing in a pool of self-pity at the moment, but I just had the worst Thanksgiving and weekend.
I try. and... maybe I try too hard. But I try to communicate to people how I feel. and I ask questions for clarification and it seems all I end up doing is "badgering" people and pushing them away even further. I isolate my self from the ones who I can't. and then I wonder why I have no "friends". Ha
I went into the weekend with a positive attitude. I have had only two sessions with my new therapist and I really liked what we have been talking about. She is no-nonesense but patient enough so I don't feel pushed. We talked about "mindfulness" and recognizing my "distorted styles of thinking". We talked about my girls and I left there with some exercises (homework) and the feeling of hopefulness.
All that was shot to **it the moment my girls walked through the door (okay... maybe not the moment... but perdy darn close to it). I couldn't snap out of it all weekend and it filtered over into other interactions I had and now I am left feeling like a hopeless, unlikeable (need we mention unloveable), pile of poop.
I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I told my husband it would probably be the last one. I'm just not ready. I thought I was, but I'm not and THAT even makes me feel like crap.
My husband asked me if I was saying that cuz of my bad mood, or if that was how I really felt? For someone who thinks all this self-help-counseling stuff is a waste of time, that was a pretty insightful question... don't ya think.
I just think I'm going to end up being alone. I mean really alone. It's not because I am a victim of DEPRESSION.... it's because I've created my own surroundings. Now there just doesn't seem to be a way to "fix" all that.
Goofy... You are welcome for the hug. I can't believe I'm a grown woman who feels like crawling into some warm, strong arms to cry until it feels better.
I've been this way for almost 40 years. I just don't believe I can change.