Weird how we can be so mean to ourselves and listen to the negative instead of the positive.
Today was a day for family time. There was a birthday in the family. So we gathered at my dad's place (my parents are divorced). There was my dad, his wife , my siblings and their kids oh and me and my hubby of course. So I was there and then I was looking around at me and my siblings. And all of us had rough times here and there, sometimes really really rough times. But they made it out. Now they are lovely and thin (some lost weight) and successful and financially independent and have it together... And I am aware that they are not perfect and their lives are not perfect but still they do well, they act "normal" and do what "others" do and do it really well!
And there I am trying to explain away and make excuses for myself as to why I am not working. And the worse part is they are aware of my mental health issues and still I feel ashamed enough to cover things up and try and explain things away. Why didn't I just say, hey, I am depressed and working hard to feel better and just "kiss it" if you are not happy. No instead I lie and cover and in my mind beg for their understanding. And why? Because I felt ashamed of myself!
The worse thing is that before going there and being confronted "to the real world" and the people in it, I felt pretty good about myself! But then I saw myself through their eyes and felt lame and pathetic. And I keep wondering if I will ever be "normal", if I will ever be capable of working full-time in a sustainable way. And what if I can't? Bleh! I have not managed to sustain a full-time schedule ever in my life for more then a few years (i.e. 1-2) and even then it was with great difficulty. Mostly I have worked on and off and did miserable at it. The only thing I seem to be good at is school, as in studying. It is the only thing I seem to succeed at. So what if after I get my diploma I just can't work, can't do anything with it? I know I am smart enough for it, but between my anxiety issues and my depressions, I haven't managed to uphold a regular job without burning out in a year or two ever! So what if I can't, like just can't. Do I keep trying and trying and failing until I feel like a miserable failure? Do I decide to accept it and work part-time or not at all and try to accept it? And isn't that just giving up? But sometimes it feels like for me, just getting myself to a place where I am relaxed and happy and content is a full-time job.
And when I am at home with my husband, or with my mom, or with others who know me and accept me and understand me, lately I was feeling a bit better and was starting to feel good about myself. I was just relaxed and happy and enjoying my time to rest. It felt great to finally relax and rest. Sure I had ups and downs but it was getting pretty good. Mostly I was finally starting to accept myself and feel good about who I am. And all of a sudden, today, I was confronted to "the real world" and realized that not working and just using all my time to "take care of myself" is not normal! And it is selfish for my husband who works so hard. And it is selfish for my parents who work so hard and still give me financial support even though they are old because I can't seem to manage to keep a job! And all of a sudden I feel so lame and ashamed! Man, how lazy and selfish am I? But I have tried and tried! I keep messing up or burning out and then loosing my job!
Right now I feel horrible and abject. Right now I hate myself.
