oh, and I struggle more with other people's grieving rather than them telling me how to grieve. Most people support the notion of everyone grieving in their own way but my issue is the fact that I am bothered by how people are "moving on" and carrying on with life and i feel like i am stuck on the day my father passed away. My sister has no problems posting pictures of my dad or talking about him to others and my mom has photos of him all over the house and i can't handle seeing a photo or even thinking about my dad for longer than a few minutes before i feel like i am going to lose it. sometimes i get scared that if i let myself 'feel it' and think about my dad or my feeling surrounding my grief for too long, i will fall into a deep dark hole of despair and i won't be able to come out of it.
i am also struggling with the fact that i feel like i just want to disappear from my current world, and all the things around me that remind me of my dad and the trauma i experienced surrounding his final days. everything in my city, driving, building etc...remind me of that time, going to the hospital and being with him during his painful final days. I want to run away or not leave my room but i can't. I have to go out into the world every day, and i can't just shut off b/c I just came off of taking a year off from work due to being on disability for depression. So i have to get back out into the world and part of me knows i should be doing this as i know its better than closing the world off but i feel like i can't handle the 'feeling' aspect to all this anymore. i just want relief from feeling the pain every day when i am reminded that he is gone. i feel like i can't enjoy things b/c all i can think about is how i can't share this with my dad b/c he's gone.
i wish i could just push a pause button on my life and just take a break for a while, let myself just be for a while, then get back into the grind after i have had some time. even though its been 6 months since he passed, i feel like it was yesterday.
I have this issue with ALWAYS needing to do the 'right' thing, making sure i don't screw up my life b/c i need to be responsible and don't want to make any wrong decisions. I feel this great pressure to just keep pushing through and getting up and doing what i am supposed to be doing. but i feel like i am just dragging myself through life, forcing myself to do the bare minimum and checking out mentally whenever i can. i can't sleep at night but during the day i am so fatigued i could sleep all day long.
But i feel this pressure and strain b/c i feel like i need to be getting my act together and need to be enjoying this time b/c i floundered last year away and really have been in a fog for the past 2 1/2 years so i feel like i am wasting time and that even though i know i deserve to feel what i need to feel and be this way right now, i feel like i shouldn't be b/c i have wasted so much time already. and i worry that i am passing life by, that i am going to miss out on life, and experiences. i have been putting off grad school for so long and now i feel so unstable that i worry i am not ready for it. i am scared to start new work as i feel so fragile that what if i can't handle it, i am not in a good state, not sleeping not exercising or doing enough self care. i worry that i have lost the loving relationship with my partner who i am separated from right now b/c he and i wore each other out with all this stuff. i worry that i have pushed away my dear friends b/c i don't call them back and i don't want to hang out, i don't want to do anything but be alone and watch mindless sho