I wish I had great advice for you or good comforting words. Hugs. I thin Ashley is right though. It is never too late to talk. If that is beyond what you feel up to, have you tried writing to him? I have done that in the past, I have written to my husband. Ans then I can revise, edit, refine my message to suit his way on understanding things so my message can be clearer to him. Then once he read my letter, we sit down calmly and read it. Just and idea. It has helped me in the past. Hugs and hang in there!
I don't think it is ever too late to talk about how you feel. Have you explained to him exactly what you wrote here? I think what you are saying is completely understandable and justifyable. I don't think you did anything wrong, you react the way you thought was best at the time. Do you think if you tell him how important it is to you to talk about this he might be more open to discussion? Remember the discussion won't be focused on blame, simply an honest discussion of feelings and how trust can be rebuilt. Try to think of it as getting through this difficult time as a team. Do you think that might work?
In regards to your values there is not a section in the program related to values. The program focuses on cognitive behaviour therapy which is proven to help depression. Discussion on values is more related to Life Coaching, as this is my educational background I sometimes use life coaching techniques in the support group. But we can help you discover values in our discussions. For instance, from what you have said it also sounds like loyalty and authenticity are important values of yours. It can be frustrating when you see others not living up to these values or you feel you are unable to live up to them yourself. Remember you cannot live your life trying to make others happy, it's impossible to keep everyone else happy and normally in the process you end up unhappy yourself. If you were not living your life according to others expectations what do you think would be different in your life?
Yes, I think authentic connctions are important to me, I just don't seem to be able to keep any of them. I tried to contact my friend a while ago, but with no reply. I figure I don't want people in my life who can't love and accept me as I am, and if I am depressed, then they need to accept that too. I am not someone who is just there for the good times. I stick by my friends and family through thick and thin and really can't understand why others don't treat me the same.
I guess I feel like I can't talk to my husband because it was so long ago and a while ago when I tried to bring it up, he told mw to 'get over it'. But I can't. I think I may want to have kids with him, but I need to trust he won't let me down again before I can even think about it. I feel maybe because I didn't react properly at the time, that my chance has passed to make him see how much it hurt. I don't know. Is there a specific section I can work through to find my values??
When I was happiest, I felt like I was being myself. I wasn't pretending and didn't feel like I had to. Now I am trying so hard to be good enough by everyone else's standards. I feel like I don't even know who I am, I've been trying to please everyone else for years. I have become so anxious and self conscious and so much less confident, just accepting who I am is hard because I feel like such a failure, and mostly by my own standards, although people are never shy to tell you how you are not good enough. I just feel like I need a break from this tiring and draining thing called life, because every year it just seems to get harder and more complicated....
First of all, I have to say Rosie you did not deserve this to happen to you. It is incredibly hard when something like this happens and it hurts a lot. I will not say I understand what you are going through but I am here to listen if you ever wanted to write about what happened and what you are currently going through.
When it comes to your confusion on what you want, I think we can all relate. Sometimes it is hard to know what makes us authentically happy and/or fulfilled. Maybe we can help you with that. If you can think back to peak moments in your life when you were really happy and fulfilled you may be able to pull out some values of yours. Once discovered, honouring these values in your life now can help you feel more fulfilled. If you are unsure how to draw out these values try describing a peak moment in your life and maybe we can help pull them out for you.
From what I have read it seems authentic connection is an important value of yours. Do you think this is
true? If this is the case, it can lead us to the conclusion that it is
even more important for you to try to address these issues with your husband.
How you address the situation is up to you but it can be very hard for
both of you to live in a limbo state of not feeling trusted/trusting
and not feeling connected. This must certainly be hard on the both of
you. Some open honest communication might be the answer. It could be
scary and hard but communication really is key. Express what you are going through and how you are feeling now. Try to see if there is a way to work together to begin rebuilding trust. What do you think
about this? If you are unable to talk to him about this what is holding you back? Examine why you can't. We can help you with this also.
It has been a few months now since my husband admitted his indiscretions. At the time I was so numb and depressed, we didn't discuss it much, and sort of just pretended like everything was OK. Now and then when we argue, it comes up. But he won't talk about it with me. I am still not even sure why he did it, but he says it wasn't my fault. Its almost like he has justified it to make himself feel less ashamed about it (he started having panic attacks from the guilt and that's how he ended up telling me about it). I am not sure how to rebuild the trust if we can't even talk about it.
I think I would like some adventure in my life- but real adventure, like travel. And time for painting. I just don't seem to have time or money for these things. I guess for me to really like my life, as it is, I'd like to be less anxious (will try the panic centre site) and to be able to enjoy what I do, in my job and hobbies. To have a loving, trusting relationship with my husband again and perhaps even be 'normal' enough to start a family with him. I don't know. Some days what I want is not even the same...
You are not alone in this. We
are here whenever you need us. I know it is not the same as one on one but sometimes
typing responses and rereading others responses can help more then you
think.
It sounds like trust and support are key values of yours. Without them in your life it may feel empty like you mentioned. Have you talked to your husband about rebuilding trust? Have you thought about reconnecting with your friend? In the mean time we are always, always here for you. You can trust us and we will support you through this.
In addition to support and trust what do you think you need in your life that will help you not to think "this is it"?
I used to be quite a generally happy person, but in the past few years I've just had alot more downs than ups. I know it is possible, but don't know how to get back to where I used to be. I just feel like I'm all grown up and looking at my life, I just kind of feel, 'so this is it??' and feel an empty kind of disappointment. I used the program previously and it did make a huge contribution to getting better, but I also went for councelling. I just wish I could actually talk to someone who cared. People are so oblivious to how other people really feel. We are so good at wearing our masks, pretending everything is fine, when on the inside we are crumbling. I just feel really alone in this. Last time I had a good friend to talk to, but since then that friend has also dissapointed me by saying I bring her down and always complain about the same things and said she could no longer be friends with someone so negative. I know what she said was true, but it just seems that there is no-one I can trust anymore, and I am getting buried under this load I am carrying all by myself. Our local support group sent me a pamphlet on depression and said they can refer me to a psychologist in the area, but don't do free councelling themselves. My husband also let me down a while back (lying to me about doing things with another woman), and some days I am afraid I can't even trust him completely with what I am feeling.
I am glad you have posted after a long time. It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment, I can see that you are overwhelmed. As Ashley mentioned, it is possible to be happy even when life is very difficult. The program helps with getting a grasp on your situation and helps you start thinking more positively. I believe that things will get better, use your passion and frustration to work towards improving your circumstances. If you put in effort you may feel better about it.
Check in and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.
I am sorry you are going through such a challenging time. Know that we are here for you and will do everything in our power to help.
First of all, use the program, it is based on cognitive behaviour therapy and may be very similar to what a psychologist will walk you through. Also, pay a visit to the Panic Center (www.paniccenter.net). This site can address the phobias and anxiety you mentioned. In regards to you circumstances check out local community centers or other organizations who may be able to offer services to support you. Talking to someone about your finances may also help.
With all that being said, know that it is possible to be happy and fufilled even when life is difficult. I know things are hard now and you may not believe it and you may even be angry I said this but I just want you to know, you deserve better. It sounds like you are just trying to get through life and I think you want and even need more then that. If none of your life circumstances changed how do you think you could make the best of it or at least feel fufilled?
Please keep posting. We will figure this out together.
