This post repeats things from several posts I've made here in the past, just to provide background. And it's long, I'm sorry.
I have been descending into depression slowly over the past couple of years - partly due to some health problems (cluster headaches, gallbladder) , partly due to family problems ( a temporary falling out with my 17 year old son), and partly due to dissatisfaction at work (a good job, good people, just not rewarding).
So, at the same time I've been sliding downwards emotionally, I've been really trying to take care of these problems. I haven't had a recurrence of the headaches, had gallbladder surgery, patched things up with my son, and taken several courses aimed at a new job, teaching.
These steps helped I'm sure, or at least slowed my descent. Last March I was let go, out of work for the first time in thirty years. That's when I began seriously considering ending it all. I felt worthless. I felt everything in my life had been a waste.
I began treatment for depression in May (Celexa), and did some CBT in June and July. I got my job back. I began to feel a great deal better.
In August I applied for the job I had dreamed of, teaching, and was accepted for an interview. A few days before the interview, my father became seriously ill, and still is. I went to see him, several thousand miles away, and came back the day before the interview. The interview went OK, though I wasn't at my intellectual peak, being tired from traveling, and from seeing my very sick, very shrunken, father.
The next week I was offered the job! I accepted, of course, and began making lesson plans. It's hard work, but fun. This week was the first week of school, I met my students, and began teaching.
Then I found out that there was an administrative problem. Another applicant who had interviewed was already in the teacher's union, and it looks like he may be given the position because of union rules. I'll find out next week.
I'm sure I don't want to go back to my old job, where I'd be seeing the students everyday, but not teaching. I can't stop working, the idea of looking for another job makes me want to cry. I just want to curl up in a ball in bed. But I also have to prepare for next week, the students are counting on me. I can't sleep without taking pills. I can't function during the day without taking pills. I can't suddenly stop taking pills. I have to fight the urge to take ALL the pills.
I need to prepare lessons this weekend, but I have fallen into a pit, and I can't find a way out.
greg
