Dear all,

 Hope you're having a good day. Is been ok for me, busy which is good, and I just talked to my mum, which makes me feel good as well.

However today I am having again my insidious, recurrent and catastrophic thought of 'I will never be in a relationship again, and I will grow old single and lonely'. I know it sounds very ridiculous, it makes me feel quite silly and ashamed to admit as I know people have more serious problems than these. But I guess that's the way depression is, a negative thoughts grows so big that it turns into this dark, wild torment that feels unstoppable and it takes over you. I have this thought almost every day, every single day, at least once, but usually many times. If I could pick one thought that keeps me the most depressed, this would be it, which is why I am reaching out to ask for some guideance, in spite the shame I feel on admitting this in 'public'. 

A little background: I have been married once and divorced after 3 years. After that I've been in several long term relationships, all with men who were not good for me (either with severe narcissistic tendencies, and the last one was a full-blown, text book narcissist). After so many dissapointments and the last fiasco which was pretty bad, I finally came to the conclusion that I had to take a look inside and work on myself as somehow I had been attracting those men. So I embarked in a journey of self knowledge, self discovery, read lots about relationship, learnt about my childhood issues and how they have affected me to my adulthood, etc.

Fast forward to today, I have been single for 2 and a half years, working on recovering of my depression, trying to put my life back together after the last failure, away from family and friends as I actually moved countries in order to be with the last man. I understand now how I was an easy prey to these men due to low self esteem issues, codependancy, intimacy issues, etc. so I have been working hard on all those areas. These days I am much more centered, I do not feel I need a man in order to survive, and I have stayed clear of relationships that do not serve me, I am surrounded with truly wonderful friends, for the most I enjoy my job, I have a good life, and little by little I think I am building my self esteem. 

However one thing I have not been able to change and is actually getting much worse, is my outlook about my future when it comes to